Are Rock “Gods” Really That Bone-able?
The “groupie” phenomenon is something that has been written about/featured in various media ad nauseum. Like, yeah, we all know the basic appeal of sleeping with a rockstar– whether it be the music itself or just the status these guys have, but, like, what if you were actually face-to-face with the rockstar of your choice from any era? How actually bone-able were these guys, anyway? I report, you decide. And also so do I. Decide.
Mick Jagger
Like, okay, he has amazing stage presence, and there’s a certain amount of menace he has in his voice that I can TOTALLY see people finding sexy (look no further than the versions of “I Wanna Be Your Man” by the Stones vs the Beatles— I mean, realllllyyyyy, who would you rather sleep with? I rest my case). But, like, knowing all you know about him (especially after all the shit Keith Richards has said about him– small penis, insecurity, megalomania, etc etc), like, it kinda cancels that other semi-appealing stuff out, ya know? Maybe just a one night stand, I guess.
Robert Plant
Ok, like obviously amazing voice and energy, but like COME ON. He’s a total dick AND he looks like that? Major props for his work with Alison Krauss, but like, sorry, dude– pass.
Eric Clapton
Though he may not be as inflated a rock “star” as the last two, but he DID sorta steal George Harrison’s gf, as legend would have it. Maybe back in the day he would’ve been sort of interesting, but like, nothing to get truly obsessed or involved with. Also the fact that he’s my dad’s favorite and is now sort of dad-rock-ish in general is kind of a turnoff.
Jimi Hendrix
Though certainly a gifted musician, he kinda seemed like a big mess. I don’t really know anything much about his record with women, but there’s a great passage in Patti Smith’s latest book Just Friends that implies how he actually seemed to take Patti Smith seriously as an aspiring artist– as opposed to ignoring her or just treating her as a sex object. A pretty rare thing back then, it seems, though, Patti Smith seemed to fall under the radar in a lot of those sorts of ways (much to her advantage!) for reasons I’m not sure what to attribute to exactly. Anyway, she just kind of made it seem like Hendrix wasn’t just your run-of-the-mill rockstar prick, even if he died in the totally cliche way. Even if he was not so much of a prick, he was clearly troubled, which is something no one would want to get involved with, even if just one night.
Brian Jones
WOWOWOWOOWOW WHAT A PRICK this guys seemed like. Maybe he was an instrumental part of making the Stones what they are, but like, I would definitely not even let this guy into my house if he were alive. It seemed like just about everyone hated him– EXCEPT, ironically, Patti Smith and Robert Mapplethorpe, who basically worshiped him excessively to the point that it’s laughable. Though, maybe all the dudes were pretty much like this back in the day, but he’s one of the only ones people can sort of openly talk about because he’s dead. Though, there is an added layer of grossness to him, because he was also very classist. Also he’s physically repulsive.
Jim Morrison
I definitely had a version of this poster in my room for the entirety of middle and high school. Eeeesh.
I have to admit– in high school I was one of those idiots who really thought Jim Morrisson was amaaazing. After you’re done puking, just realize this (Analyze This!): I have actually come full-circle somehow. So, yeah, after high school I was like disgusted by what a mediocre, pretentious, misogynist jerk he was. I still couldn’t quite stop listening to the Doors somehow, though. Then after college, I came to realize the hilariously, almost campy value of the Doors, and sort of by extension, Jim Morrison. Long story short: no, I would not hit that. ALSO, not to talk about Patti Smith every chance I get, but, you know, I can’t help it if she applies to everything– there’s an amazingly hilarious line about Patti Smith seeing Jim Morrison perform (Ann Friedman of This Recording has an amazing essay about it here) and having a eureka moment that she wanted to perform on stage and not just write poetry. On one hand, I get how as a woman, you’re sort of jealous of how free sexually men can feel onstage (and off, no matter how stupidly), and though I guess Smith didn’t make this point explicitly: it’s a fucking sad state of affairs for women when Jim Morrison is allowed to act like a moron and actually be praised for it, but there are very few women musicians with whom we can compare him to in terms of free sexual energy, even as a joke. I think the lesson is also that you have to admit that Patti Smith is at least A LITTLE bit full of shit.
Jackson Browne
Just look at this fucking prick.
He married Uma Thurman when she was like 16 or something. That’s ew on so many levels.
Jack White
I like The White Stripes and everything, and obviously attractive people are attracted to him (Karen Elson, etc), but like, I….don’t get it. I feel kinda bad talking shit on the guy’s looks, because as far as I know, he’s a nice guy, but like, the whole super pasty-Johnny-Depp-on-a-bad-bender thing he has going on just doesn’t seem appealing.
Photos courtesy of: Bebo, Billboard.com, Forgotten Journals, Inquisitr, Hollywood Noise, CheapConcertTicketsUSA,
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