How to Be an Interesting Person

Guess what, boring lady? I don’t give a fuck.

After meeting up with a friend tonight, I realized that I’ve become completely boring. Not only because she had traveled to places that are far enough that they show you two movies on the plane, hung out with friends in a city with skyscrapers, and was the best man in a wedding, but because the most exciting thing I could think of to share was that I had cleaned out my refrigerator. And had to stop myself from telling her I had to hotglue a shelf back in because it was already broken and I didn’t know and thought that there was food stuck in there so I pried out the shelf but it was glue and then I broke a hot sauce bottle and thenn… oh shit. did I lose you too? But wait, here’s the good part, I threw some of the rotten food in the public garbage cans and they aren’t for household trash. Eeeeee, illegal!

Yeah, I wasn’t kidding about the boring part, right?

Browsing the internet for a few minutes, most “how to be interesting” articles gave the advice if you are good listener and smile a lot, you are an interesting person. Bullshit, I say. It might work for a while but eventually someone is going to ask you what you do all day, and giving them a response, looking like a fish out of the water, stammering ummm ummm, and finally shrugging your shoulders doesn’t make you interesting.

This article was actually (ahem) interesting but I need tangible, direct suggestions, like stab a stranger on the bus to make a strong presence on the bus, etc. (One website suggested you could be interesting by telling someone if they french kiss you, you’ll buy them a drink, but that’s seemed too direct for me.)

At first when I came up with ways to become unboring, they all involved gobs and gobs of money, and having a negative bank account certainly doesn’t help, and actually makes it impossible. So I had to think outside the cruel ATM box that points and says Hah hah, when I try to make a withdrawal.

Expensive ways to be interesting:

* skydive
* travel to somewhere in Asia. Or just anywhere I need to get shots first.
* be a race car driver
* extensive tattoos by a reputable artist
* go to new fancy restaurants and blog about them
* buy things for people so they don’t realize I’m boring, because they are too busy mesmerized by their shiny new things
* get a miniature (toilet-trained, of course) elephant and carry him around on my shoulder
* smoke

FREE (for the most part, at least really cheap) ways to be interesting:

* walk with a limp or one of those fake dog leashes. Or both!
* stick-and-poke face tattoos
* always wear a fake mustache–scratch mustache, everyone’s got one these days, I’m gonna go with unibrow instead–and monocle
* don’t wear elf ears
* learn to pick locks
* do some crimes, specifically, rob a bank
* speak with an accent (anything but Canadian)
* write to incarcerated serial killers (or ones not incarcerated; they might be harder to find though?)
* wear lace veils on Mondays, but never say why (same veil okay)
* start a fight club (try to convince some nuns to join. tip: they are allowed to drink beer.)
* change my name to Pow! and introduce myself loudly and frequently with the appropriate Pow! sound. Insist on the correct pronunciation, always.

(I decided these ones maybe won’t help my interesting-ness rating rise in a good way. So this is the NO pile now. But if you think one of these should moved to the interesting list, let me know.)

* learn to type real fast
* talk excessively about my roommate’s dog, declaring her my best friend and mentioning that she was halfway sitting on my head while I wrote this list
* host dream journal readings
* recite the entire dialogue (with songs) from the major motion picture, Newsies
* sleep with my electric blanket on high all night long (that’s just dangerous)
* dye all my food blue before eating it
* watching everything on Netflix Watch It now so I can talk about movies (I’ll never be able to keep them all straight, and some of them no one should ever watch)
* speak in a higher pitched voice all the time, except maybe a real deep voice for talking about the weather?
* carry around a pet potato (with googly eyes?) in my pocket. make sure he knows some jokes.

Anyone else got any tips?
I sure could use them, because my big adventure today is figuring out how to dispose of old paint.

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