How to Deal with Mooches Without Going (Completely) Insane

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Deep in the heart of New York City’s Chinatown lies my greatest enemy.  In one room of a six-bedroom apartment, he slumbers atop the mountain of dirty clothes that cover his sheet-less mattress on the floor.  He eats his roommates’ food, never refills the Brita water pitcher, and would rather risk a bacterial infection than spend $1.99 on toilet paper.  He likes to go to parties in Bushwick and drink PBRs, but he likes festering at home and chugging other people’s PBRs even more.  He’s what many people would consider the stereotypical “broke-ass.” However, this literally dirty monster also hides a figuratively dirty little secret: he works in finance.  That’s right, this colossal mooch sports shiny Ralph Lauren wingtips, hooks up with girls with spray tans, and takes home a hefty Wall Street paycheck every two weeks.  You see, contrary to popular belief, broke-assness and mooching are mutually exclusive qualities.

We’ve all had to deal with a mooch before– it can be touchy, especially if the person leeching your resources is your roommate or friend.  The fact that you’re probably broke yourself only adds to the obnoxiousness of the situation– like, don’t take from people who already don’t have anything, okay?  Here’s a rundown of the types of mooches you may encounter, and ways to de-bug your apartment of these parasites that are digging you deeper into the depths of poverty:

The Unwelcome Guest:  A friend calls you up and tells you that he is moving to NYC.  He asks if he can stay with you for a few weeks until he finds an apartment, and you enthusiastically agree.   It’s great!  You’re happy!  You’re seeing an old friend!  That is, until this “friend” parks it on your couch indefinitely, and watches anime all day while you work, buy his groceries, pay his rent.  One day, three months into this ordeal, you come home to find your friend passed out on the couch in your green yoga pants, snoring loudly, with Akira  playing on your laptop and the detritus of his drunken “mad scientist” smoothie project splattered all over the kitchen.  Unable to control your anger, you pour the remaining contents of the blender over his head, disturb his snooze, and chase him out of your place.  You have the locks changed and slip his Pokemon cards through the mail slot when he comes by asking for his earthly belongings.

The Dirty Bird:  There’s a mysterious smell coming from your kitchen, and you’re pretty sure it’s emmanating from whatever is growing on that pile of dishes that have been sitting in the sink for the past few weeks.  But that’s not all– your “filthy” roommate is sure to cover every definition of the word, which you find out when you receive a $250 cable bill littered with 4am pornographic Pay-Per-View orders.  Of course, the mooch never pays up.  You go to your friend who works at a low income housing unit and find out that you can “evict” him because he also never paid you his security deposit.  He overhears you talking about this, and moves all of his stuff out when you aren’t home.  Thanks to a beautiful thing called Craigslist, you find a bookish exchange student who is in a serious relationship with her Neuroscience PhD and wants to move in, pronto.  She arrives the following day, and never watches porn that she has to pay for, the blessed soul.

The Emotional Vampire:  “Do you think he’ll ever call me?”  “Should I get bangs?”  “I just feel so… empty, you know?”  Everyone has a high maintenance, emotionally draining friend who just doesn’t know when to shut the eff up.  You tell her to quit caffeine, buy a pint of Bridget Jones’s Dairy-Free Cookie Dough Wallow in Your Own Self-Pity ice cream, and get an OK Cupid account.  She de-friends you on facebook.  You praise the skies.

So obviously I’m joking (cough, except for the second scenario which totally happened to me, cough).  Of course, the best way to deal with all of these assholes would be to sit down and have a calm, serious talk with them.  But hey, we’re all passive aggressive, non-communicative little freaks thanks to the Internet and texting– who can blame us for exploding with pent up anger once in awhile?  No one likes a mooch– especially broke-asses who work hard for what they got!  But before you get nasty on that bitch who is eating your peanut butter, before you stab that financier beer-stealer with a fork, or before you pee in a decoy shampoo bottle and keep the real one in your room just because you know your roommate uses your toiletries, try to sit down and have an adult conversation, okay?  Or just pee in the ‘poo.  Whatevs.

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Carrie Laven - Pretty Penniless

Carrie Laven - Pretty Penniless

Carrie Laven is a natural-born storyteller from California, but she
lives in New York now. She likes dogs, nail art, and Mexican food,
but mostly she likes scoring sweet deals at thrift stores. She tends
to have a flair for the dramatic.

1 Comment

  1. Christine B.
    September 28, 2011 at 10:13 am

    HAHAHA! The first one………….