Embarrassing Things That Psychics Have Told Me

When you’re trying to figure your life out and workin’ hard and struggling to Rise to the Top and all of that good stuff, things can get a little… desperate.  So desperate, in fact, that you might feel the need to seek out some spiritual guidance.  No, no, no.  I don’t mean organized religion, or even a cult.  I mean paying $5 for a sham psychic’s “special” since you can’t afford that helmet-headed one from Long Island, or asking your whacked-out friend who took too many psychedelic drugs during his youth to read your palm while he’s black-out drunk.  I’m pretty much the queen of seeking out FREE or cheap advice from people (and inanimate objects) who are unfit to give it to me– from fake-o clairvoyants, to Ouija boards, to Oprah’s Book Club– and also some psychics who have actually made some scarily accurate predictions.  And what have I learned from my sluttily-abundant flirtations with the intuitive set, good and bad?  Well, there seems to be some reoccurring themes:

1) “Is he on drugs?”:  Asked about every single guy I’ve ever dated (none of them have been on drugs, they were all just weirdos).

2) “Is he gay?”:  Asked about every single guy I’ve ever dated (okay, now that I think about it, some of them were possible G’s… or, let’s be real, probable G’s).

3) “So, are you gay?”:  No, lady.  I just wear comfortable shoes and men’s-size-large Hawaiian-print shirts, okay?  I have delicate arches and a love of Tropicalia!

4) “You will become pregnant with a dark child.”:  So, are we talkin’ dark in complexion, or like, a Rosemary’s Baby type of deal?  Or maybe you’re referring to the swollen belly and digestive troubles that are direct results of my burrito-and-ice-cream diet?  Because that can get pretty dark as well.

5) “There are a lot of hormones between you two.  You guys just wanna bump nasties, so get it over with!”:  Spoken about my then-crush, while my mom and dad were present, and I deep-cringed my way to a permanent sour face.  Um, I wanted my parents to not know about my nasty-bumpings about as much as I did want to rub up against that probs-gay supposed-druggie, while simultaneously enveloping him in the excess hibiscus-dotted fabric of my Tommy Bahama and seductively kickin’ off my Naturalizers.

6) “You already know the man you’re supposed to be with.  You see him out at the clubs.”:  Seeing as the last time that I went to a club was when I studied abroad in Spain during college and frequented a five-story, techno-pulsating discoteca, I guess I missed my chance with a dred-mulleted, hashish-addled Prince Charming in purple jeans.

7)  “You will be a Hell’s Angel, or maybe a pole dancer.”:  Someone actually told my cousin this, but I just think it’s funny.

8) “You’re really high maintenance, and difficult to be around.  Good luck to any guy who puts up with you!”: I mean, good luck to any relationship between a closet lesbian dressed like a tourist, a closet gay on drugs, and their dark-complected, demon half-human/half-burrito child, Ben-Jerry. All I can say is, hopefully my cuz will be able to take time off of the pole to ride her hog over to our place to babysit during our romantic date nights out at the disco.

So, according to the Miss Cleos of this world, I have horrible taste in men.  And clothing.  And nightlife locales. Where was all of that stuff about me being successful and well-traveled that I was hoping for, huh?  I was desperate— desperate for some spiritual guidance, and all I got was this lousy Hawaiian shirt.  Wait, who am I kidding?  I love this thing!  I love it just as much as I love cheap psychics!  Which is exactly why I will continue to go to them, no matter how seemingly ridiculous their predictions may be.

Photo credit: EW