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Sidereal Astrology Consultation – FREE at Cafe Royal

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As a young man, I had my numbers read. The fortuneteller predicted that I would be a great success at my first line of work and then go on to a different calling at which I would become equally successful. I’m sure you can guess at how accurate those predictions were.

You will then forgive my deep suspicion that astrology is total bullshit. If it couldn’t predict that rectal exam I got at my urologist’s office a couple months ago, it isn’t worth my time.

And then yesterday a friend, whom we’ll call Cunégonde de Mireauxmont, told me about sidereal astrology. The sidereal method purports to be more accurate than tropical astrology, which fails to take proper astronomic data into account when calculating the positions of the planets on your date of birth. So not only is your newspaper wrong about how you should “open your heart to new encounters,” but that junk rag is also misleading you about your sign. For instance, I had previously thought myself a Capricorn. I am now a Sagittarius. You can imagine how my world crumbled at the news, only to be rebuilt, stronger and brighter than ever before. I’ve since decided to stop being angry at the world. I’ve started listening to late-era Genesis albums. Chunky monkey? Nope. I’m a Cherry Garcia man now.

Bowie is also a Sagittarius

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So maybe it’s time you figured yourself out. And while many soothsayers and astrologers demand an arm and sometimes a leg for a personalized session, there is one man who by sheer good will and great charity of spirit wants to tell you about yourself for free. His name is Eric. You’ll find him at Café Royal in Greenpoint from 7pm to 9pm, Monday through Friday. There’s no upselling and no “I think we’re out of time.” He’ll sit with you for as long as need be. He’ll tell you about your diet, your strong suits, your weaknesses, and he might even throw in a speculation about your metabolism. All for free! Put that in your dietician/psychiatrist’s pipe.

Sidereal Astrology
Mon-Fri, 7pm to 9pm
Cafe Royal (195 Nassau Ave at Humboldt St.)

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Jules Owen - Wandering Wastrel

Jules Owen - Wandering Wastrel

Going to a rich kid school when you aren't even given an allowance certainly trains you to live large on the cheap. Armed with such expertise, Jules travelled the globe, surviving off of 50 cent beers and 2 dollar meals everywhere from Buenos Aires to Mumbai. Three years ago he returned to the United States, living first in Baltimore while he settled a debt with the IRS, then in Brooklyn where he plays music and writes. He aspires to one day live in a van on N.15th and Kent.