Pre-Gaming for the Poor: What Beer to Buy at the Bodega

Picture this: it’s Saturday night, and you’re going to a house party because once again, it’s all you can afford to do. You can’t show up empty handed because – what are you – some kind of asshole?!? You stop by the bodega closest to the host’s house and if you’re like me, the six pack you schlep over to the counter is left entirely to chance, or whimsy, or whatever’s cheapest and nearest to your flailing hands. But times are tough, man! Aren’t you even a little bit curious about what’s going to get you the DRUNKEST the FASTEST for the CHEAPEST??? Well, I am. So here are several scenarios of your best alcoholic consumption bets based on your demographic, weight, and brokeness. Let the boozing begin!

Scenario 1: You just got out of college, your entire wardrobe consists of pastel polo shirts (which you wear with the collar popped, natch), croakies, and boat shoes. Your autocorrect’s highest ranked word is “brah.” Chances are, you’re going out to a bar somewhere in Murray Hill later. Instinctively, you are going to reach for the nearest pack of Bud Light or Coors Light or anything with a water-like consistency that you can easily shotgun. But next time, why don’t you ratchet that Bud Light up a notch and try Bud Ice at 5.5% alcohol by volume (ABV) instead? Here’s the math: if you usually go through a 12-pack of Bud Light at your pre-game party, with Bud Ice you’d only have to drink 9 of them to reach the same level of drunken shenaniganism. Just as buzzy, without that bloaty feeling, FTW!

Scenario 2: You live in either Williamsburg or Bushwick and your wardrobe staple is jorts and Toms. Chances are good that you might be sporting an ironic mullet, or have at one point in the last seven years. Due to the economics of your neighborhood, all you can find is PBR, which you don’t really mind, but you’re kind of looking for something else to drink since Pabst sold out to the Man. You’re going to a loft party to drink before you head over to a warehouse party on an as-of-yet undisclosed location featuring a band who plays washboards and tin cans over a loop machine. What to bring? Well, considering your price and attitude limitations, I’d suggest making your own moonshine but since this is an article about beer, go for the Olde English! Hell yeah! Found in pretty much every bodega in the WORLD, its ABV hovers right around the 6% mark, and since you’re a 5 foot 8 dude who only weighs 110 pounds, a couple of these puppies will get you schnockered in no time. And, you’ll be THAT DUDE with the Olde English. Plus, a 40 ouncer is only like 3 bucks. Represent.

Scenario 3: You are a little Asian chick who likes cats. OK fine, you don’t have to like cats. You are a little Asian chick – you know what? Scratch that. You are any chick in general. If we’re being real about this whole thing, your main concern is not having to piss like a racehorse the whole night. I mean, have you SEEN women’s bathroom lines?!?? Eff that noise. When searching for a bodega beer, you typically stick to beers that are somewhat yummy, like amber ales, milk stout, or pretty much any Leinenkugel. The ABVs of those beers range anywhere from 4 to 5%. But here’s some news: Leffe Blonde is delicious, and it has an ABV of 6.6%! SO if you typically drink 6 Leinenkugels over the course of the evening, and you have to pee each time you drink a beer, that’s SIX mother-effing trips to the ladies room. You don’t want that. No bueno. Drinking Leffe, you can maintain the same buzz but only have to drink 4 beers, thereby reducing your pee breaks and thus your chances of picking up some nasty disease from a toilet! Life is great!

Scenario 4: You are Andre the Giant or have a similar bodily consistency and thickness. I hate to say it my friend, but it’s gonna take a lot more than beer to get you drunk. Maybe check back for an article about the best liquors or drinkable methanes to get yo’ big ass crunk? Also, shouldn’t you be out manipulating your freakish size for bit movie parts? Get to it; you’re better than this! Call us when you’re rich and famous!

Photo credit: mlkshk.com