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Dating In New York Can Be A Bitch Y’all

Updated: Oct 02, 2012 22:46
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Coming from a sweet, idyllic little town in North Carolina (seriously, my hometown’s slogan is “The Friendly City by the Sea”), wading through the convoluted waters of the New York dating scene can be downright disheartening. If dating back home was a refreshing dip in the lake, dating in NYC is trying not to fall directly into the Gowanus. Maybe I should have just stayed at home and gotten married like everyone else. So, right from the horse’s mouth, here are some pros and cons of the horrifying world of dating in New York City:

PRO: Making out with the cute guy you just went on a date with in the stairwell of the 14th St. F train station that connects the L and the F because you’re taking separate trains and he wants to spend every last second with you and he’s so sweet and charming and not a psychopath. When his train comes first he races off to catch it, leaving you in a whirlwind of kisses and that sweet “butterflies” feeling you can only get when you don’t know ANYTHING AT ALL about the other person.

CON: On a subsequent date, after the initial romance buzz wears off, discovering that he is an aspiring stand up comic who has just been fired from a Chinese restaurant, causing him to murmur semi-racist rants under his breath during the off-Broadway play that he “paid” for with the free tickets he got from his “job,” which is standing in Times Square wearing a sandwich-board that advertises the aforementioned show at which you are now in attendance.

PRO: Meeting an adorable French guy on the train when he saunters up to you and presents you with a red rose in front of all his friends, and then runs off the train when it reaches his stop, but not before leaving you with his name and number, adorably scrawled on a piece of paper.

CON: Meeting him for dinner but not really remembering what he looks like because that night on the train, you were about to pass out drunk and if it wasn’t for him, you would have dozed off and ended up at the end of the line in Queens. He ends up being pretty cute, but takes you to a new-agey vegan place where he ridicules the waitress about the music selection, suggesting that she play the “sounds of nature,” Enigma-inspired CD he recorded and that he will bring in a copy tomorrow. Then, he makes the other patrons take pictures of you both while he smiles like a maniac and his eyes bulge out while he ensconces you in an uncomfortably tight grip at his side. Then, he tells you to guess how old he is and when you guess thirty two he says, no, that he is indeed FORTY NINE years-old and that his youthful looks are the product of some alien-yoga-cult he is a member of. After dinner, he says he has to stop by his apartment, which is nearby, and because you are 25 and idiotic and still too Southern to be able to get out of the situation comfortably, you go along. Right before the key clicks in the lock, he says you have to keep quiet because of the Buddhist monks that are staying in the apartment – “They’re still not acclimated to the time difference so they’re sleeping right now.” You eventually say you have to go and run the entire way home.

PRO: You broke in your new boots while booking it home from your date with the Crazy French Man.

CON: See previous CON.

PRO: You’re chilling at the Burp Castle, gettin’ down on some after-work brews with your friend. The bar is pretty empty, but there’s another couple at the bar. With some light conversation, you discover that the guy works for Vera Wang, and since your friend also has ties to fashion, you start talking with them more and discover that they aren’t actually a couple, just friends. Which is cool, because the guy is adorable, and giving you the serious “eye.” You get up and walk past him to get to the ladies’ room and when you come back, he slips you his number on a napkin. You and your friend leave the bar, where you unfold the napkin and your friend laughs at you for having had that just happen. You go home, slightly intoxicated and giddy.

CON: The next day, your friend calls you at work, and thinking that it’s some kind of emergency, you pick up. The voice screams, “THAT GUY FROM LAST NIGHT WAS ON [insert douchey reality T.V show here].” Dammit, that’s why he looked so familiar.

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Patricia Scull - Patty the Pauper

Patricia Scull - Patty the Pauper

Patty loves cats, cheese, and irony, so although she is currently a petite Asian chick, she is well on her way to becoming a fat, smelly, cat lady later in life. Born in Korea and adopted to white people in the South, Patty spent her youth frolicking happily in the cornfields of eastern North Carolina. She currently lives in the East Village and can be found boozing her way through the bars (and streets) of New York.