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2013: Forget A Resolution. It’s All About Execution!

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I bet you woke up today and you’ve already dropped the ball on your New Year’s resolution.

Congratulations, you’re human!

I could wax poetic about the surging population of these “new year, new me” degenerates looking for a new personality to don in 2013, but I digress. I’ll quietly restrain myself by carefully divorcing my frontal lobe from the rest of my brain with a rusty hacksaw. You’re welcome.

When I was in high school, one of our guidance counselors would come into class and update us on our transcript. They claimed that the only reason they were doing this was because they wanted to keep us informed and updated on our progress throughout high school. I believe they just wanted to poke fun of us and say, “Ha-ha, you’re failing.” Whatever.

During my junior year, the guidance counselor passed out our transcripts and a questionnaire. Their underlying inquiry about our future with basic questions like, “do you have any goals?” insulted my teenage spirit. So, I struck back with, “I have no goals. I’m just waiting to die.” Needless to say, I was given the chance to do an encore performance of, “I’m not crazy, depressed or suicidal” for Dr. Wilson, the school psychiatrist. (Regardless, I was still diagnosed with mild depression. It was a slap on the wrist for all the shit I did in high school. I consider it to be the equivalent of a mass murderer pleading insanity and skipping out on prison.)

While my teenage angst may have gotten the best of me, the humorous pessimism in those words that I wrote on that questionnaire may have had a hint of honesty lurking beneath the surface. Ancient wisdom was delivered through the cynicism of a soul with no expectations. I had no goals. I was brought into this world with no say in the matter and with nothing guaranteed, except death. Whatever we choose to do with our lives, whoever we choose to spend it with and wherever we choose to spend it is how we choose to pass the time waiting to die. That’s life. (I’m sorry. I really didn’t mean to be this depressing to start off the New Year. Really, I didn’t.)

I have no goals. I’m just waiting to die.

I wrote those words 10 years ago and I stand by them. I had no goals then, and I still don’t. That’s not to say that there isn’t anything I want to do, because I do. Sure, there are some things I’d like to improve on and I have some things I want to try, but I don’t have goals. In other words, I just do. I don’t plan.


“Do I really look like a guy with a plan? You know what I am? I’m a dog chasing cars. I wouldn’t know what to do with one if I caught it! You know, I just… do things.”The Joker


Ever since I was old enough to carefully nourish my brain and attain the wisdom being smashed upside my head by my mother, I quickly learned that you can accomplish anything in this world with a few words floating out of your mouth. However, that doesn’t necessarily mean that you will realistically accomplish those feats you speak of.

Aside from the war paint, a nicely tailored purple suit and the green hair, the clown prince of crime and I share an identical outlook on planning and doing. Although, I will admit, his viewpoint is a lot more sinister. Nevertheless, action has always gotten more done than a few words have.

“The mob has plans, the cops have plans, Gordon’s got plans. You know, they’re schemers—schemers trying to control their little worlds. I’m not a schemer. I try to show the schemers how pathetic their attempts to control things really are.”The Joker

I have nothing against planning, because as the saying goes, “those who fail to plan, plan to fail.” I just know that once I jump inside a pool with a flesh-eating shark to retrieve my house keys, I plan to swim extremely fast to get them and get out. That’s it. What happens during this dreadful mission is way too unpredictable. It might be a horrible example, but my point is this, there are too many variables in life to plan perfectly for anything. Don’t get upset when things don’t go according to plan. Stick to your initial game plan. Look for signs of any inconceivable problems, adapt to the situation and move forward accordingly.

Remember, you can plan and plan all you want, but until you actually place yourself on the field, you will never know what to expect. Fuck it. No one is ever ready for that new position, new city, or that new three-headed dildo that spits Ryan Gosling’s sweat into your vagina. Stop talking about it and be about it, dammit!

When you do, life takes you places. When you don’t, you’ll be in the same place in life.

Happy New Year!!!

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Enrique Grijalva - Mr. Minimum Wage

Enrique Grijalva - Mr. Minimum Wage

My father came, my mother saw...and I conquered. I encourage children to do drugs, I buy alcohol for teenagers, and I drink beer with the homeless. In my spare time, I attend art galleries for the FREE booze while rubbing elbows with modish elephants. I also hammer six-inch nails into small penises. Stuart knighted me as Broke-Ass King of New York. You've been warned.