How To Handle Premature Ejaculation?

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Classic O-shit face!

Every guy has experienced this. Yes, homie…you too.  I know that one guy your friend’s, sister’s, roommate hooked up with that one time had this problem but it has also afflicted every boyfriend, booty call, and/or coworker I’ve hooked up with. So this has been an ‘across the board’ problem with all dudes at some time or another.

Premature Ejaculation

Not just for that awkward teenage boy who finally touched a boobie! For research purposes I went to a couple bars and polled the male audience. (Shout out to 355 & Kingfish!) A data analysis on premature ejaculation that is uncontrolled and untested (because c’mon now, I’m not a ho.)


Estimates vary. Haha! Yeah right, Mayo Clinic!


Danny: Premature Ejaculation? Ugh…Before you even start you finish! Maaaybe you get in a couple pumps. What can you say to the girl? “Sorry, you’re just that beautiful!”

Good lord. A couple pumps? You can say I’m Aphrodite incarnate. I’m the goddess Venus, laid upon the clamshell of your life. That my sexual allure is so strong that your body just cannot contain the fervent passion in your nether regions. None of those excuses will redeem you from being a Two Pump Chump. A shrug of the shoulders and a roll to your side to pass out is a sexytime cop out. Not only is that selfish and lame, but you will not be called for a repeat performance in days to come. You better rally and man up for Round 2 STAT or your ass is calling Uber and GTFO of my apartment.

Luis: I had very fast onset whiskey dick once but that’s not the same. Really though, there’s no recovering from P.E.

Is non-performance is better than falling short? If it never happens you can at least long for the mystery of what could have been. If a girl falls naked in a bed and no sex happens…is the forest disappointed, too? P.E. is the lady version of cock tease. “Oh. Oh! Wow, that’s not bad. OMG, this is actually working for me!” Then EPIC COCK FAIL! You’re flopped over and seemingly lifeless and we’re left wondering WTF happened?!?!?! The mood can be quickly lost and we wonder if it was even worth it. This is a toss up for me. Nothing or Barely Something. Tough call.

Patrick: You say, ‘Sorry. We were in the same race, I just beat you to the finish!” Then you compensate by doing whatever necessary to get her off, too.

Ah, the jokester method! “I win! Yes! Was it good for you, too? Who’s the man?!?!?” At some point you give her a high five and do a little dance. Humor can easily deflate a highly uncomfortable sexcapade. Just laugh from embarrassment and own it since there was obviously no way to stop it. Of course you take the recovery time to gather your senses and continue with foreplay or other such sexytime fun. This is pretty much the best answer to P.E. in my opinion. Share a laugh and then keep going! Don’t laugh like a moron while you do keep going though. That’s just weird.

Everett: It was a girl WAY out of my league. I was in shock that I even had her in bed and then it happened. This was WITH protection! We both laughed and I was completely self-deprecating then I went down on her.

Ah yes…the condom conundrum. As the late, great, ever wise and oh so eloquent Old Dirty Bastard (aka Big Baby Jesus) once said “Baby I like it RAW!” Sexytime sans jimmy hat feels like magical dwarf unicorns blowing glittery whispers on your junk. That glorious feeling of raw sexytime can make your splooge splurge in minutes. That’s why condoms were invented! Or not…but there are special condoms that make sex last longer by reducing the stimulation – Durex Performax Intense – Ribbed w/ Delay Lubricant. Condoms are the best! Especially if you don’t want crotch cooties or genetic minions. Just pay the 10 cent bag fee and get plastic.

Ribbed for her pleasure

Ribbed for her pleasure

Mick: As a married man it means I’m probably not getting enough to begin with. I have two kids though so that makes it harder. The funniest P.E. though is a BJ one…because you’ll either wear it or taste it!

Ah, the BJ. As the giver you may have a bit more of a hint that the guy is about to go all Pompeii in your face. There’s usually some muscle spasm that signals the volcanic oncoming – but not always – and sometimes guys forget to give you the warning. “Phhhpppt! Phhhpptt! I told you tell TELL ME when it was going to happen!! Ew! It’s in my hair!” You either do what you must or break out the tissue box.

Mike: I don’t think I’ve ever made a good recovery from P.E. Its even worse when you pay for it! Makes you think ‘Geez, I should’ve just jacked off.’

Damn, Mike. Damn.

Lucas: Pull out and go down on her. Seriously though, call a TO, drink some water and calm down. In a few minutes you’ll be ready to go again.

Calm. The. Eff. Down. Men’s Health gives us a few tips on avoiding P.E. One in particular is working on your control through solo hand action. Getting very nearly there then stopping. Take your arousal to the tip of the tower then stop. Calm down and bring it back under control. Lather, Rinse, Repeat. Then after the third time go ahead and let yourself finish. Practice this method and over time, you’ll become more attuned to your ejaculation and will be able to Yoda your penis into lasting longer just by thinking! It’s magic.

So smart, he is!

So smart, he is!

Moussa: Depends on how much you come. You can finish too soon and still have enough in you to go again a second or third time. After the third time though you just may have to fake coming.

Woah!!! Men faking orgasms because there’s just nothing left?!?! Is this real life??? This kinda of blew my mind. Apparently women can’t tell if there is semen or not if you’re wearing a condom. Come to think of it, I sure as hell never checked. I know there’s such a thing as men staying hard after ejaculation but I thought faking it belonged solely to us women. We fake it because we just want to you get off of us, or to just leave and go home, or because we forgot about the laundry in the dryer and our work clothes will get wrinkled, and did I attach the agenda to the email to my boss this afternoon, that burrito at lunch was gross I’m never going to that taco truck again, oh wait I forgot i’m having sex, shit I should probably focus. Ugh, never mind. Cue the Meg Ryan diner scene! YES! YES! YES!

Do women have premature ejaculations? I sure haven’t. What would that even feel like?!?

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Jay H - Bawdy Broadcaster

Jay H - Bawdy Broadcaster

Bay Area native. Oldest girl in a very large extended Mexican family. Studied Art History at UC Berkeley and of course I became a Nonprofit Marketing Consultant! Never married. No kids. Serial dater and and expert at the 'hang out' version of dating. Moved out of crazy expensive SF to Oakland and LOVING it! Loves sports. All of them. Except golf. Oh, and rhythmic gymnastics.


  1. TonyP
    June 11, 2015 at 11:47 am

    I blew my load reading this…

  2. Auntie Techy
    June 11, 2015 at 12:03 pm

    seriously? I just keep going, I can nut 3 times before my heart is about to explode. I don’t understand “I’ve come and I can’t get it back up” I’m fucking dammit and I’m going to keep going until she says stop or I can’t physically go on anymore. Those that nut and are done are lame asses.

  3. August 20, 2016 at 2:16 am

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