A Cheap Bastard’s Guide to Movie Dates
By Kelly O’Grady
When’s the last time you’ve been on a date to a movie theatre? It’s almost thirty dollars! Fuck that malarkey!
The candy is expensive, the soda is expensive, the beer is expensive; every goddamn thing is expensive. You can barely afford to make Spam sandwiches for dinner, let alone taking your sweetheart out on a date to see the most recent adaptation of a classic 8-bit video game into a vehicle for Adam Sandler’s slow, apathetic decline!
Going out on movie date can be a pricey endeavor, but if you follow my tips, you too can go on a movie date like a complete cheap bastard.
The first thing about seeing a movie like a cheap bastard is to avoid paying for a ticket in the first place. Split the cost of one ticket with your date and have them let you in the theatre through an exit door! (Because all exit doors are actually just entrance doors in reverse.) Bam! You just saved yourself 14 dollars!
Afternoon theatre-hopping at the multiplex
Once you’re inside, why limit yourself to seeing just one movie?! Live like a true outlaw and theatre-hop, because there was no way I’m going to pay good money to see banal Hollywood garbage. For crying out loud, the makers of Batman v Superman should have paid YOU to see it! Although, if you are going to theatre-hop, I recommend doing so in the afternoon. That’s when most multiplexes are on a skeleton crew who couldn’t be bothered to stop two low lifes jumping around movies for four hours, reeking of stale beer and pot edibles.
(Public service announcement: Please, only theatre-hop in large corporate theatres, and not small neighborhood ones that are mom-and-pop operations. For one, it’s just being a dick, and two, if a theatre only has two screens, it’s really obvious that you’ve been there for five hours as you leave a wake of beer cans trailing behind you like an alcoholic shark.)
Buying overpriced movie theatre snacks is for goobers!
Only ‘suckers’ buy candy from the actual movie theatre, with all their crazy prices and bullshit! Take a cue from moms around the globe and buy a shit ton of candy at a drugstore, and then smuggle it into the theatre in a giant purse, like a gangsta. (Snack tip: My personal favorite is to dump a giant bag of Reese’s Pieces into a tub of popcorn, simultaneously making the popcorn all peanut butter-y while getting the Reese’s Pieces all warm and melty. Tasty as a motherfucker.)
Buying beer at the theatre is for schmucks!
You have to have a hole in your head if you buy beer at movie theatres! A price for a Sierra Nevada is just stupid and most theatres don’t even sell forties to begin with. Instead, tell government regulations to go fuck themselves and stash an 18 pack of Tecate in your backpack like a true barbarian. Fuck it, drink an entire bottle of Jameson as you yell at a Lego movie! Or life-hack that shit, and strap a CamelBak of Costco vodka and red Kool-Aid to the inside of your thigh.
Just to demonstrate you’re a person of class, shell out the 5 bucks for a medium cherry coke. This will let your date know that you have some kind of standards, moments before you dump a bunch of mid-shelf rum in it.
Don’t masturbate in the theatre! Ya fuckin’ weirdo!
if your date takes a turn and they bail on your drunk ass, remain a gentleman. Don’t get all Paul Reubens on it. Do you know how common it is for theatre ushers to find Fleshlights left under seats? I myself have worked at a multiplex and I can’t tell you how many times the glass in the baby crying rooms would be streaked with cum. There was popcorn buckets filled with piss and body fluids of every manner everywhere, like a C.S.I crime scene.
That’s why every once and awhile you should tip the staff waiting for you to leave so they can sweep up all your garbage and soiled condoms.
Now go forth on a movie date, cheap bastard style!