12 Sh*tty Behaviors to Conveniently Excuse With Astrology
by Laurie Riihimaki
There’s no denying that we can all be shitty humans once in a while.
Sometimes we lie about why we can’t make it to work. Sometimes we cheat on our lovers with a hottie at a bar. Sometimes we steal a lipstick from a friend because NARS is too damn expensive and Sephora should be sued.
And sometimes we refuse to text Garrett back because we know he said Samantha had a nicer ass than us.
Of course, we don’t like to be seen as terrible slimy people. We want people to think the best of us at all times, even if we really do just suck.
That’s where astrology comes in!
Astrology has been helping us justify our downright awful social behavior for years, and for some reasons it’s totally acceptable. However, be prepared to sound like a super douche when you say “I can’t help it, I’m a Leo.”
For your guidance, here are the shittiest behaviors of every sign. Now, you can blame astrology for your poor communication, jealous behavior, manipulative acts, and more!
Aries (March 21st-April 19th)
Aries are a bunch of self-absorbed assholes. They don’t give a single fuck about anyone but themselves. So, don’t try to create a relationship or friendship with an Aries unless your favorite thing to talk about is them.
These egotistical bastards will degrade others in order to make themselves feel better. But, if you’re an Aries and someone calls you out on it, just let them know that you’re not in control of your birthdate. Totes not your fault that you think you’re better than everyone else.
Taurus (April 20th-May 20th)
Holy moly, Taurus. You can not seem to get out of your own way. Ever. The Taurus is always stuck in a rut. And they believe they have no way out. But, really they’re the ones keeping themselves there. This cues invites to a pity party that no one wants to attend. Even if there is cake involved.
If you keep doing the same shit over and over again, while complaining about the results, then you’re probably a Taurus. It’s annoying, but we get it, and we’ll blame The Universe for it, not you.
Gemini (May 21st-June 20th)
When you meet a Gemini, you never know what you’re going to get. That’s because they wear many masks. Geminis are the most two-faced sign of the bunch, and they have absolutely no shame using their sign as an excuse for that.
Be careful friending one of these dickheads, because they’re probably talking shit about you behind your back. Sorry, definitely talking shit about you behind your back.
Cancer (June 21st-July 22nd)
You definitely don’t want to get wrapped up with a Cancer. They are manipulative, controlling, and more jealous than Nick Jonas. We always think of Cancers as emotional and family-oriented, which sounds pleasantly sweet.
But beware, their strong feelings of love could have them abducting you from your home at 2AM, holding you hostage in a dim-lit basement, and forcing you to marry them under the words of an online-degreed marriage officiant they found on Craigslist. But hey, it’s ok, it’s just Cancer behavior!
Leo (July 23rd-August 22nd)
Have you ever had a friend who thought that the world revolved around them? Then, they were probably a Leo. Leos love to tell everyone how under-appreciated they are. And how they never get enough attention. So sad!
But whatever, they can’t help that the stars make them act like a toddler who isn’t getting their way. We’ll have to let them continue to be whiney babies about not getting enough love.
Virgo (August 23rd-September 22nd)
A negative attitude is the tell-tale sign of a true Virgo. These guys don’t even have a half-empty glass, their glass is just plain empty. A Virgo never has anything nice and encouraging to say because they think the world is an evil place that’s out to get them.
Prepare to live a miserable fucking life if you were born under the Virgo sign. And don’t be ashamed to blame the universe for your unhappiness. We know you’re going to anyway.
Libra (September 23rd-October 22nd)
Being in a relationship with a Libra is probably one of the worst situations out there. Libras like to keep their doors open because they are so bad at making up their mind. This can be super stressful and also annoying for the people around them.
Being a Libra, however, is a great excuse to be unfaithful to your partner. As a Libra, you can rationalize screwing John, Leah, Tom, and Courtney all in one week behind your lover’s back. Just don’t expect your boo-thang to stick around to deal with your shit… GARRETT!
Scorpio (October 23rd-November 22nd)
Mysterious Scorpio is all about the mind games. Probably because they think they’re smarter than everyone around them. Though we call them ‘games’ …the tricks Scorpios play are not very fun. Oftentimes, they bully and prey on the weak.
So, if you’re a Scorpio, don’t feel bad that everyone hates your manipulative acts and elitist attitude. It’s seriously not your fault. You were just born that way!
Sagittarius (November 22nd-December 21st)
This is one of the stupidest signs. Seriously. Being a Sagittarius means you legit sound confused all the time. You are a clumsy person verbally, physically, and emotionally. Trying to tell others how you feel is impossible because you don’t even know how you feel. And if you did, you still wouldn’t be able to express is. You’re just that dumb.
Sagittarius, please, just stop trying to explain yourself. We can’t take the nonsense chatter anymore. Just tell people your sign and they’ll accept that you’re incompetent at most things. Keep it simple by saying, “Sorry, can’t talk, I’m a Sagittarius.”
Capricorn (December 22nd-January 19th)
You don’t want to get in a Capricorn’s way. They will literally smash you into the ground on their way to the top. That’s because Capricorns are fueled by their ambitions. These are the most self-serving cold-hearted people you will ever meet.
But hey, if you’re a Capricorn, at least you’ve got some shit going for you. If people complain that you’re stealing their stardom, just tell them they should’ve been born in January.
Aquarius (January 20th-February 18th)
The Aquarius is the flaky disconnected sign that floats from place to place. These people are seriously living in their own little fantasies worlds. They have a hard time even talking to other people because they have lived in their heads for much too long.
If you’re an Aquarius, chances are you have imaginary friends because all your real ones ditched you for being so irresponsible and socially awkward. No need to explain your sign to anyone because there’s no one really talking to you.
Pisces (February 19th-March 20th)
Welcome to the biggest self-pity party of all time, hosted by Pisces! The Pisces is the epitome of sadness. They love to cry whether they’re happy, sad, or mad. And no matter what is ailing them, they will always turn themselves into the victim of the situation.
If you get pure joy out of being the victim, then toss your hat to the skies and thank them for making you the way you are!
And remember, no matter what your sign, your behavior is NOT your fault.