Uber Staff In Revolt Because Their Stock Options Are In The Toilet

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Imagine being the kind of employee whose main concern is not your impact on society or the world at large, or the things your company or business accomplishes — but instead, your main concern is how your stock options are doing. Yet that is the case throughout much of Silicon Valley, and especially at Uber, where Business Insider reports that Uber employees are up in arms over the company’s terrible stock price.

“The recent shocking reality that Uber is falling behind DoorDash in market value has unnerved Uber employees,” according to the Business Insider report. “ The top question at the company’s all-hands meeting asks top executives how this happened.”

(The all-hands meeting in question is scheduled for Tuesday.Sept, 21.)

Uber’s stock closed today at $39.75, while DoorDash’s stock closed today at $222.91. “Market value” is a more complex formula  than stock price, but according to Business Insider, Uber’s market capitalization is currently at $74.9 billion, while DoorDash’s is a slightly higher $75.2 billion.

But what everyone’s missing here is that neither company has ever shown a profit, and both rely on smoke and mirrors to make it appear they’re in good financial shape. Neither company even pays their drivers minimum wage, and yet these so-called geniuses still can’t make a profit? Maybe that’s a sign that these companies are simply run by exceedingly stupid businesspeople.

Both companies are in terrible financial shape, but right now, DoorDash’s stock price is much higher. Sorry you’re not rich beyond your wildest dreams enough, Uber employees. But that’s probably because you’ve been pulling this con longer than DoorDash has, so more of your investors are wising up that the company will never make money. And eventually, DoorDash investors will also realize this, and their stock will tank too.


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Joe Kukura- Millionaire in Training

Joe Kukura- Millionaire in Training

Joe Kukura is a two-bit marketing writer who excels at the homoerotic double-entendre. He is training to run a full marathon completely drunk and high, and his work has appeared in the New York Times and Wall Street Journal on days when their editors made particularly curious decisions.

1 Comment

  1. seth
    September 21, 2021 at 9:06 am — Reply

    ::opens link to learn about a “revolt,” reads that people are “unnerved,” departs from clickbait headline::

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