San Franciscans are Naming their Storm Drains and it’s Fantastic!

SFPUC has an adopt-a-drain program that’s enabling residents of San Francisco to help mitigate flooding. What is it, how does it work, and what are some of this year’s funniest drain names?

Every year, the San Francisco Public Utilities Commission’s silly little Adopt-A-Drain map inevitably goes viral as residents new and old remember how shitty (pun intended) our combined sewer system is. By claiming a drain, you get to clean it when it gets overcrowded by leaves and debris. Without that, the drain clogs and flooding gets worse.

“Adopting a drain seemed like a nice way to help maintain what I generously refer to as my ‘front yard,'” explains Danielle Hobart, a resident. “When I adoped my drain I went on an amazing (and equally horrifying tour of the water treatment plant and learned so much about how SF’s systems work. Everyone needs to know: flushable wipes are a lie.”

Hobart is referring to the combined sewer system. The things you flush down the toilet and the droplets of rain that end up in gutter go to the same pipe. Normally the pipes flow to a treatment center. But when the rain comes down hard, the mixture of sewage and rain can overflow into the Bay.

The map charts all 25,000 drains within SFPUC’s purview. That means it doesn’t include drains in the Presidio, within parks like Golden Gate, or in certain areas near the Bay. 

Registering to adopt is relatively low-barrier. Once you sign the paperwork, the agency is largely hands-off. No champagne to pop or Dr. Spock guidebook, just the cheesy video from SFPUC on the program. But it’s pretty easy to get out there and clear things up. 

The gray (adopted) ones have some charming names. This year’s favorites include: 

• “Booty Sweat” in Lower Haight, an evocative name that really paints a picture of how things smell at this spot on the map
• “Sierra’s Drain” on Bush St., adopted by someone named Eric in what we can only assume was a breathtakingly romantic gesture
• “Janis Droptlin Drain,” on Van Ness. They really stretched for that one, and for this we must give them credit. Might we suggest Drainus Joplin next time? 
• “Drain DEZ Nuts,” on Golden Gate Ave, an instant classic. We prefer the “deez” spelling variation, as seen throughout SOMA and the Mission.

• “Happy Father’s Day To Eric, dad to the whole bloc,” on Dore. How sentimental.
• “Serendripity,” in the Mission, a solid pun.
• “It’s Draining Men,” in the Castro.
• “Durain Durain,” in the Richmond.
• “Stan,” in the Sunset, adopted by Stan. What, not even a jr. or Stan The Second?
• “Dumpdean.org” on 44th and Noriega. (The crowd boos.) Come on, the election’s over, you Outer Sunset hater. Go flood somewhere else with your dark money.  
• “Andrain 3000,” in Ingleside. Nice musical taste, Jim. 
• “Barbie’s Drain House,” in North Beach. Kinda want to live there, not gonna lie.
• “Curry Drains Threes,” over by Chase Center. I had to talk to a man to get that one explained to me.  
• “The Center for the Advancement of Portfolio Company Relations,” on Florida St. This one might just be over our heads. Or maybe it’s the company’s name.
• “My drained tax dollars,” on Capp St. Womp womp.

LeBron Drains Needs Your Help

On the map, grayed out points indicate a drain’s already been adopted and green means they’re waiting for that special person. But there’s another type: Red drain points. These drains have already been named and adopted, but they’re marked in the system as needing “extra care.” 

Come on, you know you love a rescue. Your friends joke about it all the time (so what if they’re referring to your dating life?). 

What are you waiting for? Your parents keep pressuring you about grandkids. Tell them you’re planning to adopt… a drain. It’ll make the Thanksgiving dinner table talk a hoot. 

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