The Great Beach Debate, Part 2: An East Coaster on West Coast Beaches

So, you’ve seen what Laura S., an East Coast native, had to say about East Coast beaches, but I’d like to offer my perspective, a San Diegan transplant to NYC, on the beaches of California (mostly Southern- as opposed to my analysis of the Long Beaches of Long Island and CA, respectively). Though I by no means advise the actual “living” in Southern California, I’d argue that there are indeed some cultural “charms” unique to this armpit…er…area of the country.

Brain-Affirming “Overheards”
Though overheard comments and conversation in Long Island or the Jersey Shore, for example, can give native Californians a run for their money, hilarity-wise, there’s nothing quite like the Keanu-like near-haikus of the sunbleached-brainless masses.  It’s almost poetic, how some people can be so completely laid back such that they’re either pretty much in awe of EVERYTHING, or that it takes them an unprecedented amount of effort to complete the most simple of tasks.  I once overheard someone at the Diamond Street beach area in Pacific Beach, CA trying to remember a very simple word or phrase and get sidetracked, only to exclaim “whoa” and laugh it off in the most stereotypically “dumb Californian” way possible.  It’s maybe the best kind of shadenfreude: unless I smoke pot, or there’s a carbon monoxide leak, or am in a coma, or something, there’s no possible way I’ll ever be that slow. Also, it’s pretty much like watching a live-action fan fiction version of Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure.

Time Travel
For some reason, Southern California has not gotten the memo that it is no longer 1998.  91x, the alleged “alternative” (seriously?) and “independent” (owned by Clear Channel) radio station, in San Diego has been literally playing nothing but the EXACT SAME MUSIC for the past fifteen years– a fact I became privy to in my visit last week.  The following bands being an anchor, to be heard at least five times a day: Red Hot Chili Peppers, Sublime, Rage Against the Machine, and The Offspring.  You know what else?  It’s as though Southern Californians are physically unable to leave the house without baseball hats, wraparound sunglasses, terrible tattoos, and chunky highlights (believe me, I was guilty as HELL of the latter, as childhood photos will sadly prove).  Just sit back and re-live the 90s as an adult!  It’ll be like Quantum Leap, kinda.

Surfers: Pro and Amateur
Let’s face it, despite many of them being terrible or stupid, or terrible AND stupid, surfers have hot bodies.  And I’m not ashamed to say that I have first hand experience, ok?  Well, only a little, I guess, but not for aesthetic reasons, that’s for sure.  You just don’t get as many hot surfers in clusters on East Coast beaches as you do on the West, unfortunately.

Edible Food in Close Proximity
I don’t know why there is never any non-gross hotdog or whatever bullshit thing that passes for “food” near or around East Coast beaches (or at least any I’ve been to).  One of the greatest things ever about Southern California is that one of the few places you can actually like use your legs and WALK to like a human being is from the beach to the burrito/taco place.  And they’re REAL tacos and burritos, you guys!  You know, the ones that taste good and are under $5.