Much Ado About Manswers

Spike TV  is sort of like the old leftovers in your fridge. You forget it’s in there until it reminds you of its presence in the form of a pungent whiff with an aftertaste of disgust. This is also what happens when you’re stuck in a hotel in the middle of nowhere with some time to kill at 3:00am. The show Manswers makes Maxim Magazine look like the Economist. It makes Porky’s look like The Notebook. It makes…., well you see where I’m going with this. Spike TV is not exactly known for his hard-hitting programming, but it picks up where The Man Show Left Off and drives it into this territory.

A combination of Myth Busters and Wet T-shirt contests, Manswers certainly has it own niche audience of hormone fueled, 14+ dudes who have an insatiable thirst for useless knowledge. I can’t decide if I’m more offended as a female or if I’d be more offended as a guy who’s targeted programming thinks I’m a fucking moron.

Their advice ranges on things from, “How Can You Tell She Has Saggy Tits Before You Rip Off Her Clothes?” to “How to Tell the Difference Between a Hooker and a Cop” (as seen above) and other useful information. Who needs Wikipedia when you got Manswers. And who’s their main sponsor: you guessed it Axe Body Spray. I can’t wait for next season’s “How to DIY Your Own Rufies On-The Go!”

Manswers is nothing but diplomatic so they’ve included some helpful tips for da ladies as well. You already made a note to “Smell Yo D**ck” but if you want to be get sure he’s not getting any on the down low, here’s a helpful video.

For a very silly late-night show, they certainly do their homework when it comes to proving or disproving their scientific hypothesis. Besides the obvious questions revolving around boobs, midgets, and hookers, they also provide advice on self-preservation such as where’s the best place to get shot, and how to survive an elevator fight. You know when the Tostitos Scoops run out- shit gets real.

Lady mags are always trying to pride themselves on the fact they can get inside the man’s psyche. Every other headline reads how to “fulfill his secret fantasies”, or “what they really want but won’t say”. Well you can cancel that Cosmo subscription and save yourself a lot of time and money. To really get your finger on the pulse of what’s really on the minds of American Men, just watch Manswers or check out their message board. Every question used on the show is culled from the viewers, so you can really get the idea of what kind of questions plague their daily lives.

“If you stuck instruments up your ass and farted could you play a song?”

“How loud do you have to rock to “bring the house down?”

“Is a vegetarian girl less likely to give a blowjob?”

The one upside to Manswers? We could transmit the show into space so if by chance some intelligent life happens upon it, they’ll be so disgusted by our society that they’ll never visit Earth.

See Stephen Hawking, we do stand a chance.