What Your Dude’s Female Celebrity Crushes Say About Them

This week, I’m arbitrarily judging your boyfriend and/or dude you’re seeing, at no cost to you!  You’re welcome!

Megan Fox

Yes, yes, we know, Megan Fox is terribly attractive.  But Jesus Frederick von Christ, how can one get past the whole “Please let me into your treehouse, boys” air she so desperately gives off?  You can’t be self-aware and ironic if you yourself actually buy into the crap regularly spewed by Maxim magazine and the like.  Dudes who like Megan Fox probably ACTUALLY get off on Girls Gone Wild.

Jennifer Aniston

You must really, really like the color beige and enjoy sports.  I feel kind of bad semi-ripping on Aniston, because she’s actually been in some good films (The Good Girl, Friends With Money, Office Space) and acted well in them.  But then it backfires, because then it’s like, WHY WHY WHY in god’s name are you making such horrendous movie choices (that goddamn Love Happens poster is slowly boiling my brain) if you KNOW you can do so much better?  It can’t be the money, which only leads me to conclude (on the little-to-no actual knowledge I have about her) that she must be complacent.  And nothing spells generic and mediocre like people who enjoy reveling in complacency.  Dump him now unless you share this pathetic dream.

Amy Sedaris

If you have actually found such a man that has this crush, then you, my friend, have quite possibly hit the proverbial “jackpot”.  Unlike other comedians who spend their time, much like Megan Fox, trying desperately for the boy’s club to accept them, Sedaris, on the other hand, boldly tells everyone to fuck off, because she’s going to wear some weird prosthetic face pieces and a fugly wig if you like it or not.

Scarlett Johannson

Boobs sex blowjob boobs boobs blowjob sex.  That’s it, really.  Pete Yorn, we’re on to your game, friend.

Alicia Keys

If your dude likes Alicia Keys, he’s either my Dad or Bob Dylan.  If it’s the former, STOP DATING MY DAD, YOU HARLOT!  So, yeah I don’t know why older semi-creepy dudes are so into Alicia Keys, but, really, just stop dating my Dad and everything will be okay.  Dylan on the other hand, I guess just proceed at your own risk.

Natalie Portman

Either he like beautiful, smart, classy girls (though, a little on the stiff side), or he’s a massive Star Wars nerd.  We report, you decide.

Gisele Bunchen

He likes physically perfect, but boring, and possibly borderline retarded.  So while you can never EVER live up to his standards of beauty (trust me, you NEVER NEVER will, no matter how much plastic surgery, etc you have…NEVER, okay?), you won’t actually want to anyway, because he’s probably incredibly dull and a little borderline retarded himself.  Your personality is a terrible thing to waste.  Just let him continue to jerk off to Victoria’s Secret catalogs and move on.

Crystal Renn

Your dude truly does like “curvy” (i.e. over size 4) women, and doesn’t buy Gisele falling into this category, no matter how many times the media tries to say this is the case.  Gisele is not fucking  curvy, OK?  She’s just not emaciated, which, last time  I checked, does not automatically make one “curvy”.  Anyway, though he’s probably not going to be an asshole if you gain 5 lbs., he might prove himself to be a dick if you lose weight and your boobs drop a cup size.  Basically, this dude is either open minded when it comes to what he’s attracted to, or might just really be into boobs.

Katie Holmes

There is an idea of a guy who likes Katie Holmes.  Though he can hide his cold gaze and you can shake his hand and feel his flesh gripping yours, and maybe you can even sense that your lifestyles are probably comparable, he is Simply. Not. There.   Run while you still have the use of both your legs.

Photos courtesy of Impact Lab, Eco Jotter, The Petite Sophist, Now Public, News Blaze, Pop On The Pop, Jet Society, Bohemea, and Babble