Broke-Ass Time Filler: Having Sex

The sexual tension in this photo is almost as taut and thick as this woman’s inner thigh. I bet the guy is not exactly slack-muscled either.

I always hear people complaining about their girlfriends (and sometimes boyfriends) being expensive. First off, you’re dating the wrong people. Secondly, it doesn’t have to be that way. Sex is something that (almost) all of us engage in  regularly that potentially costs us a lot of money. It should be costing us no money. If you have sex a little bit more resourcefully,  the sex you’re having should basically be monetarily FREE. You know how the beer from the FREE keg always tastes better? The sex you spend less money on makes you feel better.

Sex is actually the perfect past-time for someone who is lacking in funds. You can make it FREE, it puts you in a better mood, makes your skin look good, and it kills time. Especially if you’re unemployed and your partner is unemployed. We all know you’re not spending anywhere near eight hours a day on the ol’ job search. Your friends are sick of you just moping around your filthy apartment in sweatpants pressing refresh on the Craigslist jobs section. Clean up those dirty plates, comb your hair, cheer up, and have some sex!

If you already have a live-in bone-ee, find them. Maybe they are at work and can come home early or call in sick for a day. Maybe you have a roommate who would agree to have sex with you with pillowcases over your heads so shit’s not weird later. Or, you might have to venture out into the world to find someone. Try going between the hours of 1pm-4pm to find a fellow broke-ass unemployed type like yourself. Then you’ll at least have someone to sit with later at DSHS when you both have to apply for Food Stamps.

Now that you’re standing up the next step is to take your miserable ass to Planned Parenthood. You already have enough problems. I refuse to add to them by encouraging you to engage in an activity that forces you to examine and re-examine your area. Or, even worse, gets you a baby. Where the fuck are you gonna put a baby?! Go to PP. They will give you FREE condoms, FREE Plan B (To keep in your cabinet! For just in case!), FREE lube, FREE exams, and FREE information aplenty. They are the nicest people. You can ask all the dumb leftover questions you have that didn’t get answered by your youth pastor or sixth grade health teacher. Go!

The next step is to leave the health clinic and go outside. By go outside I mean go to the bar, coffee shop, house party, or some place else people meet. I am not sure where that would be. I haven’t had to venture outside to find a sex partner in a long time. Mine is delivered to my door every Tuesday and Thursday night. I filled out some form next to a  “WIN THIS LEXUS!” sign and won a contest at the mall. Ever heard of “reading the fine print?”  That’s what they’re talking about. Anyway, always fill out those forms.

If you’re not as lucky as I am, going outside is really a good place to find someone. If you are patient, you might be able to meet someone online or through a friend. I kind of  want you to get down now though, not in a few weeks when you’ve deemed your “relationship” with someone as having gone on long enough for you to not be considered a slut. I like instant gratification and I like it five minutes ago.

Spending a bunch of money on dinners and drinks is silly. If you’re just looking to hook up and keep warm, this part is unnecessary. If you have to spend a bunch of money getting a person drunk and feeding them in order to sleep with them, you probably are either an asshole or not very interesting. Either way, I can’t help you. Just buy some beers or sodas or whatever shit you’re into and sit somewhere outside (everyone go outside) and drink with them until you like each other enough for some heavy petting.

There should be nothing else to spend money on. You can have sex now! As much as you want! In abundance! If this all fails you, according to an article at The Wirecutter, this silver bullet vibrator is only $10! I’ve purchased toothpaste that’s more expensive than that. This thing uses the word “powerful” in it’s description. My bi-weekly manpanion doesn’t even come with that promise. Get it!