The number one telltale sign of being a hipster is denying you’re a hipster. If that’s true, then that means almost EVERYONE is a hipster– I mean, do you really know anyone who actually declares themselves as such? Regardless, I’m about to make some pretty broad assumptions about a few segments of the male population under 35 or so. Take it with a grain of salt, or don’t. In the immortal words of Eric Cartman as some cracked out talk show teen guest: “Whatever! Whatever! I do what I want!”
So, anyway, whether or not this is actually “true”, here are seven crazy types of hipster dudes that I’d rather not be involved with ever again in my journey to the center of a date:
1) White dude hanging on by one thread of denial about his Asian fetish
I could really write an entire post about this, but I’ll try and limit my tirade to one paragraph (for now). So, have you ever dated a guy whose exes are almost EXCLUSIVELY Asian? Or how about if they’re almost exclusively foreign and can barely speak English, and yet deny that they have any sort of horrifying intentions here? Look, we all have types, but I feel like there’s more to this particular “trend” than say, girls who like guys with mustaches. I’ve actually heard the following words come out of someone’s mouth: “Guys like Asian girls because they’re not emotional or crazy and will do whatever you want.” I don’t even know if I can count the ways in which this is racist/sexist on both my hands. As that T-shirt slogan goes: No, [they] will not love you long time.
2) Dude who thinks he’s smarter than you/everyone
That’s great that you went to grad school/college/are literate, etc., but do you really think you’re the only one in the world who has done these things? You know what’s NOT a very “smart” thing to do? Act like you’re the only one in the world who has the answer to the universe. Because I’d bet my life that you probably do not. And stop crying about how no one can understand you because you are so above everyone else. Also, no one is going to have sympathy for someone who acts like an asshole all the time. You know what else sucks about this person? Only HE’S allowed to have fun, apparently. Because if YOU get drunk or whatever, he acts like someone farted on his face.
3) Dude who thinks he knows everything about music
Welcome to New York, dude. People are really into music. So why act like you’re the only one who could POSSIBLY understand? Liking music does not make you special, it simply makes you human. You didn’t invent music, and please please please do NOT play the guitar when I’m talking on the phone to you. If you need precious guitar one-on-one, do that on your own time.
4) The Freebird
Hey man, girls can’t hurt me anymore. No one can hold me down. I play by my own rules! I have a very relaxed attitude towards acknowledging others! Did I mention I’m very laid back? Look, if you’re going to great lengths to prove how “relaxed” you are, you’re actually, by definition, not actually relaxed. Also, welcome to ages 21-25.
5) “Ironic” dude who either forgot what irony is or never knew in the first place
Four words: Plate of Shrimp tattoo. What exactly is the goal here? Do you get some sort of award for how far you’ll take your own stupidity? If you genuinely enjoy the thing you’re allegedly making fun of– where’s the irony? Where’s the beef? Certainly nowhere to be found in those size 0 women’s jeans. Also, anorexia isn’t ironic or remotely attractive.
6) Dude who thinks he’s 50, but really, is just incredibly judgmental
Ever date a guy who (1) thinks if he listens to jazz, that makes him a responsible adult, and (2) gives you sideways looks because your room is slightly messy? I mean, it’s one thing to have like a sandwich from 5 days ago sitting there rotting in your room, but like, if your bed happens to be unmade one day, does that really make you an irresponsible shitshow? According to this guy it does. My analysis? This guy is a total control freak and will constantly be looking for reasons to belittle you.
7) Guy who tells you to “get outta your hipster world”
A friend who teaches English to kids in East New York actually had this happen to her. It came from a dude who (1) changed his name for some reason, and (2) walks dogs for the wealthy for a living. He was specifically referring to the fact that she had been student council president in elementary school. So, clearly, she is the one who needs to get out of her hipster world.