Shopping for a Patron

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Living in NYC is hard.  Just going out of town shows me that.  It is expensive, crowded and annoying (as well as dynamic, exciting and the center of the universe).  As a way to make ends meet, I have decided to spend a significant amount of time in my future attempting to locate a patron.

The one good thing about calling yourself an artist is that the definition is extremely flexible.  You could be an artist of cooking for example, or eating for that matter…or painting, or thinking.  You get the idea.

Once you have succeeded in defining yourself as an artist you just need to find an altruistic individual who would like to support you in exchange for being referred to as a ‘patron of the arts.’  It is an arrangement that has existed since the beginning of time.  Rich people who like adoration have always been paired with poor creative types who need support to keep doing what they love.

This arrangement seems incredibly simple and I already have a good start…I have a patron in training.   This generous gent, Peter, just the other day bought me a delightful glass of wine.  All he wanted in exchange was for me to mention him in this post.  Are we clear with how that works?  He gets the fame and glory associated with a mention on brokeassstewart.com, and I get a glass of cote-du-Rhone.   It may be that he thought he could also get some other kind of fiduciary benefit for his donation.  Unfortunately for him, I am not a not-for-profit organization, so his donation is purely personal…no tax deduction for him.

Patrons can be good for all kinds of things…  I think some people have lived entire lifetimes off the charity of friends…[see anyone that hangs out with Paris Hilton for example].  Here are some ideas of things, that in the next year I will attempt to get for free.

Booze – See above

Cash – Always harder to slide this one under the radar but oh-so-rewarding when achieved.

Photographs – headshots in particular are what I am looking for. My black and white, ten year old, yellow-edged ones have got to go.

Pickled peppers – I had a friend once whom people wanted to please.  People off the street would come up to her and offer her things.  She was the most magnetic personality I have ever met and one who I am attempting to emulate in this endeavor.  In one instance someone bought her a jar of picked peppers on a whim.  Nothing says, “I support you” like pickled vegetables.

Real Estate – I am looking particularly for some place in the Poconos with a champagne glass shaped hot tub.  You know, a country house with some flair.

This is just the beginning of my list.  I should mention that I am committed to giving back in exchange for these gifts. Something like: poems on demand, jokes, and the occasional wardrobe malfunction, which may or may not result in (a little) flashing.

Come to think about it, I do all this for free anyway.  Oh well.

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About the author

Christine Witmer - Sparing Stringer

Christine was born and raised in the land of the Pilgrims, Plymouth, Massachusetts. She turned in her buckled shoes when she moved to NYC to attend NYU. From that esteemed University she received her BFA in theatre as well as a Master’s Degree in Performance Studies in 2004. Now an actor, writer and broke ass day-jobber, Christine juggles her many personas with the elegance of a red panda…. specifically the one in the Prospect Park Zoo . . . soooooo cute! She can be found most often in her own habitat on the Northside of Williamsburg, Brooklyn.