8 Actual Catcalls & Come-Ons I’ve Recieved

image from StopStreetHarassment.org

I’ve lived in San Diego, Redlands, Long Beach/LA, Florence (Firenze), and New York.  I’ve visited an array of North American, Mexican, and European cities.  One thing that remains constant no matter where I live or visit is the insane types of catcalls and pickup lines hurled at me.  It seems like, no matter where women are, there’s always a contingent of men who think it’s their personal duty to try and intimidate them.  Let’s face it, do any of these guys really think their lines/shouts/noises will really score them a date?  It’s my opinion that most of these dudes are doing this crap to prove something to themselves and others, albeit in a very foolish and misguided way.  Luckily, this gives me lots of material for hilarity at their expense!

The following is a list of actual catcalls and come-ons that I have either recieved or during which I have had the pleasure of being present:

1. “Is there some particular way I could get to know you?”

This was more funny because of the context.  Ashley and I were walking from a work function around Wall Street, when out of NOWHERE, this dude interrupts me in mid-conversation to ask me THAT.  I was left speechless.  It was the most bizarrely-phrased and random occurrence I could recall for the past few months.  The best part: Ashley could think of no other appropriate reaction than laughing in his face as we walked away.

2.  The old “kissy kiss” noise.

This has happened to me countless times, though while doing a summer program in Italy a few years back, it was particularly overused.  I know it’s a stereotype that Italian men are very aggressive with foreigners, but, well, I found this to be sort of true.  I mean, I couldn’t even walk to class at 8am without being harrassed.  Who has the energy for that at  MOTHERFUCKING EIGHT in the AM?  And it’s not even words…it’s just NOISES!  WHAT.THE.FUCK.  It actually distressed me quite a bit, regardless that I almost always travelled in a pack of at least four girls.  So, after months of being bombarded with that, my gut reaction (to this day) in response to that foul noise is upchucking in my mouth.

3.  “Hey, take a ride on THIS”

This gem actually comes from Ashley.  It was thrusted at her in the West Village, by a construction “worker”…if by “worker, you mean, one of those guys who stands around a truck and wears a helmet and toolbelt, but you never see actually doing any work.  While relating this to me, she remarked “All I could think of was: seriously, what is this, 1963?”

4.  “Why won’t you come back to the Maritime hotel with me?  I don’t understand why you are so conservative…..I’m really into Astrology.”

Picture it: this past weekend at Mason Dixon.  Me and some coworkers had been drinking for hours, and somehow found ourselves here.  Me & my friend Amy met these dudes who insisted that they “worked for the government”.  Amy was talking to the only one who was from the U.S., though not from NYC.  Meanwhile, his (whom I, at first glance, initially judged to be smokin’ hot) blond, be-suited Austrian friend was chatting me up.  He proved to be not as charming, smart, or funny as his American pal.  It wasn’t until he uttered the above words that I realized that no, he did not mean “Astronomy” and he was perhaps being serious about admiring the fact that Arnold Schwarzenegger was once my governor.  This was indeed no language barrier.  This guy was just another genuine tool…who happened to unfortunately be staying in the very same building as the restaurant where they have my FAVORITE white truffle oil pizza (not that I have more than one favorite truffle oil pizza).  I can’t lie, the thought of said pizza was tempting.  But his strange Astrology declaration made my mind up for good.

5.  “Would you like some fries with that shake?”

Again, this happened to me & Ashley.  We were in the West Village, when a group of 40-to-50-something men shouted this at us as they walked past.  And again, old timers, this isn’t 1963.  I’m pretty sure the last time I heard that line was in the movie La Bamba, starring Lou Diamond Phillips., which we were forced to watch over and over and over again in my first year middle school Spanish class (except he would fast forward through the sex scenes).   Oh, Donna!

6.  “Dance with me…. DANCE WITH ME.  COME ON!”

You know how I really get in the mood?  When someone orders me around by yelling and grabbingf my arm.  Seriously, is there anything less appealing than  some guy who wants to force you to dance with him?  Because the first time I said no, clearly I wasn’t thinking!  Thank god you’re here to scare me straight so I can get aboard the romance train (wreck)!

7.  “Call me.  I’ll probably be not eating a $200 steak”

While waiting for a friend (who was SUPER late) at Death and Co. , I had the unfortunate displeasure of meeting, essentially, a real live Patrick Bateman.  Or at least, I think that’s what he was going for.  He ordered a drink that he saw in a James Bond movie (I only know this because he fucking TOLD ME), worked in Merges & Acquisitions, and weirdly, wandered in and out of a fake British accent.  He was possibly the most repulsive “person” ever, and I was fairly certain that I would end up as a head in a fridge if my friend hadn’t eventually arrived.  This phrase was uttered right as she got there, and after he handed me his subtle off-white business card in cerulean type.

8.  “PLANT ONE ON ME!”

This one is perhaps my favorite, though at the time, I was a bit spooked.  While vacationing in New Orleans with a good friend, a drunken, married ex-navy 50-something yer old man struck up a conversation with us at a bar.  He progressively drunker, as we got more concerned about staying sober, until finally, he turned me around to him, and declared “PLANT ONE ON ME!”  He then lunged in for the “plant”, as I continued to lean as far back in my chair as possible, with my head spinnning around so far, it looked like The Exorcist.  He was a nice man overall, but that was taking things a little too far.  It’s hilarious in retrospect, because it kind of felt like I was getting hit on by Grandpa Simpson.