Terrible Advice With Steve Harvey

Steve Harvey, self-proclaimed “king” of comedy and non-doctor or professor, has been making the rounds in the media with his (apparently, NYT bestselling) book Act Like A Lady, Think Like a Man.  Wanna rip your face off yet?  I sure do!

Essentially, (as though you couldn’t already tell from the title), Steve Harvey is operating from the Men Are from Mars, Women are From Venus presumption.  In other words, all women are the same–apparently there is no such thing as social conditioning or history–as every female’s DNA-code tells them that they want to get married, but they are going about it the wrong way because they’re dumb, shallow sluts.

Oh, and gay women?  You guys don’t actually exist.

If that wasn’t enough for you, let’s take a gander at some of his sage advice:

1. “We profess, we provide, and we protect. We will give you a title if we love you. We’re gonna make you our something. That’s how we mark our territory”

Otherwise known as “The 3 P’s”, this is the convenient soundbite that Steve Harvey ascribes to how men ALWAYS, across the board, show their love for women.  Without these things, apparently, what you may have thought was love was just a ruse.  So, love =  possession/dehumanization.  Got it.  Well, now I know what to think next time someone pees on my leg, they’re merely professing their love and respect for me as a human being.  Not to mention that being a woman, I need to be provided for and protected!  Pee, is there anything you can’t do?

2.  Don’t give up your “cookie” for at least ninety days, like a Ford autoplant worker’s benefits.

First of all, nothing spells “competent sex advice” like someone who can’t even bring themselves to refer to sex by its actual name.  Harvey apparently thinks that the only thing a woman has to offer is her vagina, such that “raising the bar” = not “giving away the milk for free”.  My self esteem feels higher already!

Oh, and the waiting ninety days thing?  I guess the implication here is that women don’t like sex, and it’s simply exists to appease those craaaazy men and their “pleasure”…whatever that is!

Is that like, what happens when I look at a pair of Manolos?  OMG shooooesssss!

Look, I’m all for waiting until you’re ready, but like, why would you DENY yourself sex for any period of time?  This is  no-brainer, people.  If a guy thinks you’re a “slut” because you like to have sex, fuck that guy (literally!), and run the other way as fast as you possibly can right afterwards.

3.  “[Men are] looking across the room at you, and we don’t care about your hopes and dreams. We don’t care about what your future holds. We saw something we wanted.”

And here I thought that WOMEN were the ones conflating sex with love.

4.  “God would not create your soulmate and not allow you to meet him.”

Um, what?  When did this turn weird and narrowly religious?  But, wait, it gets worse…

5.  If the dude you like is an Atheist, you need to “pack up and go home”, because he obviously has no morals.

Being the judge and conscience for yourself instead of leaving that to some imaginary man and/or sometime-zombie in the sky looking over your shoulder sure does show some real weakness in character!

6.  “We’re not courteous. Listen, it’s not in our DNA as great communicators anyway.”

Who knew Steve Harvey was a biologist?  Oh right, he’s NOT.  So, clearly, it makes total sense for him to talk about what is and isn’t in men’s DNA.  Also, way to encourage women to expect common decency and insult men at the same time!  I guess this means it’s biologically impossible for men to be good writers, psychologists, teachers, counselors, and people who talk and write for any reason.  It’s AnchorLADY not AnchorMAN!  It’s science.

7.  “You can’t let your independence and your ability to take care of yourself be the dominant factor of who you are…You know how many times I hear women say: ‘I don’t need a man. I’ve got this. Why don’t a man just come to me?’ Just like you’re saying it, you’re projecting it. If you’re projecting it, where does a man fit in there? Just relax.”

Something about this statement makes me think that Steve Harvey would totally agree with the Homer Simpsonian assumption that “black guys have names like Carl, and white guys have names like Lenny.”  Critical thinking skills?  Zero.

8.  Just LOOK at this guy.

What kind of a person would take advice from a cross between Ghost Dad and an evangelical preacher?