Putting the ‘Ho’ in Halloween

We all love the time honored tradition of the slutty Halloween costume, and like most traditions if you want to keep it going, you gotta get em while they’re young. You can’t work yourself up to slutty cop without starting somewhere. While little boys get to be Power Rangers and Zombies, girls start experimenting with laced bodices and kitten heels. I know it’s ultimately their choice but let’s not fan the flame of jail bait shall we? And so I present to you various costume options ruining one girl’s childhood at a time.

Harajuku Girl

Nothing bridges the culture gap then dressing up as one of Gwen Stefani’s Asian stereotype cast-offs. I can’t decide which is worst, the bizzaro come-hither ribbon stockings or the Jonbenet inspired make-up palette. This shit is B-A-N-A-N-A-S.

Bratz

If Megan Fox really is the human equivalent of a slutty Halloween costume, than that costume would be a Bratz Doll. America’s favorite tween tartes are still going strong if this costume is any indicator. It’s called “Lipstick Queen”, because if you’re going to reign over something, it might as well be the world of Wet N Wild cosmetics. This costume makes me want to go and burn down a Hot Topic or a sacrificial pile of Avril Lavigne cd’s.

Pirate Wench

Dressing up as a pirate for Halloween is old hat, but when you add an S&M belt and no sword, parrot or hook of any kind that just makes her look like a pint sized serving wench with all the Juicy Juice for sailing the high seas. Pirates are supposed to be bad-ass, and the only crew she’s gonna commandeer is the Pussycat Dolls. I see a string of successful Parrot Bay promotions in her future.

I Don’t Even Know

As you can see, this costume is called the “Ravager”, but what the hell does that even mean? When did Halloween become synonymous with bondage and what exactly is she going to ravage? I want to know what goes through a parent’s mind when they decide to buy this costume. “Well if little Holly is going to dress like a pre-teen dominatrix on her own, she might as well do it in a safe environment, honey where’s that spiked cider?” I have one solution to this problem. Tell your kid that they can wear any costume they like as long as it’s constructed out of cardboard. That’ll throw them. I recall a particular harrowing Halloween experience when I was 12 years old and dressed up as Cleopatra. I was so psyched in my pre-American Apparel bodysuit and gold lame Cher-inspired snap on slit skirt. As fate would have it, that skirt was not meant to stay on or shield me from 30 degree wind chill. Many nicknames would coined that night that I will not rehash here but I do remember wishing I took the high road and dressed up as a juice box like my wise friend. So remember these simple rules: Always layer, no leather or lace-ups and make your own so you’re not stuck with something flammable.