Babies Who Look Like Assholes

It’s been a few years since Hollywood decided to make babies the accessory du jour.  Model maternal figures Nicole Richie, Britney Spears and Kendra Wilkinson have all regrettably spawned, anyone who lives in Brooklyn is familiar with the phenomenon of the $700 double-wide stroller and I think it’s safe to say that we’ve all had the depressing experience of walking past a baby store where an infant-sized velveteen onesie costs far more than the clothes we’re wearing.

Everyone has the right to dress their child as they see fit, but there are some parents whose costume choices for their offspring are woefully out of touch with reality. To wit:

I bet you any amount of money that if I was like “Brad, Angelina…why did you dress your seven year old son like an LA douchebag sitting in a vintage Cadillac waiting for his much younger girlfriend to finish buying thongs at Fred Segal?” they would smile beatifically and say to me “Oh no no no….we didn’t dress him. Maddox chooses all of his own clothes.”  Really, guys?  From where, exactly is he making these selections? An old plantation owner’s closet? I chose all my own clothes too when I was a kid, but I somehow managed to look like a 7 year old girl, not a 19th century opium dealer who rides about on horseback and inspires J. Peterman.  Maybe it’s not his fault though, perhaps he would choose more normal, age-appropriate clothing if his parents stopped taking him shopping at  jockey formalwear shops. Or if they stopped letting him take his sartorial cues from the fat guy on Entourage, either one.  The worst part is that I have a terrible, sneaking suspicion that li’l Maddox is barefoot under there. Sigh.  I wonder if he ever misses that Cambodian orphanage.

Not to be outdone by his US counterpart, check out Rocco Ritchie (child of Guy Ritchie and Madonna) as he staggers away from his handlers presumably drunk.  Now I’m sure the young lad’s never touched a drop in his life but if you’re trying to convince the cops of that, this picture isn’t gonna do you any favors. Kid’s wearing a leather tie for god’s sake–leather! He’s got it rakishly loosened and he’s paired it with leather sneakers and the flattering ensemble that my 6th grade crush wore to his Bar Mitzvah. He also has on what I’m just now realizing is a Kabbalah bracelet.  Yikes. Maybe that’s what’s going on here.  Madonna dressed Rocco up in his finest tween-pimp gear and brought him down to the Kabbalah center where they doused him with Kabbalah  water at which point he screamed and tried to flee.

Now technically this isn’t a celebrity baby, but I’m simply thrilled to have a chance to address this most annoying and offensive of child-sized T-shirts.  Whatever your personal feelings about Che are, everyone in the world should be aware of two facts:

1. Che WAS NOT a children’s musician in the style of Raffi/Mr. Rogers/whoever the current iteration of those people are.

2. Che WAS a brilliant, violent Argentine Marxist revolutionary.

Those are FACTS, okay?  And while I respect everyone’s right to their own political opinions I don’t really know that kids need to be allying themselves with Communist guerilla leaders before they’re out of diapers.    I find it tough to believe that when this kid isn’t spitting up strained carrots or cutting his teeth on a plastic ring shaped like a frog that he’s immersed in instituting agrarian reform or spends countless hours turning the central tenets of Socialism over and over inside his tiny mind.  But maybe I’m just being naive.

Back again, to the fruit of Madonna’s steadily aging loins. According to the place where I found this photo, this shot of Lourdes Ciccone Leon was taken at the Kabbalah center. Perhaps Lourdes, like her brother, is also attempting to make an escape and has dressed herself in the guise of Natasha Kahn in order to elude her handlers or bodyguards or whatever henchman she has.  However, it might have been wise for her to choose a less ostentatious outfit for her attempt at fleeing religious absurdity. It’s tough to go unnoticed when you’re wearing a bright pink jacket, Minnie Mouse’s hairbow as a scarf, a red satin DovCharneyband and the footwear of a referee-prostitute, but….kids! What are ya gonna do with ’em?

So yeah…this is a montage of shots of Romeo Beckham.  Yes, his name is Romeo.  Yes his parents are Posh Spice and Bend It Like, and yes he did beat the shit out of three separate prep school youngsters in order to steal their clothes.  When your dad is the god of the soccer hooligan community it’s only a matter of time before you pick up on some of his head-bustin’ ways!  I bet  after he got caught for beating kids up, when Posh came to pick him up at the principal’s office she was really mad…..and then she got a sight of  Romeo looking smashing as only a Brit in a prep school uniform can.  “Blimey!,” she cried, her old Cockney accent, long buried, bursting forth in a stream of emotion “You look bloody gorgeous, you do! David! David! Com’ere and look a’ ‘im!”  And then everyone hugged and they all drank tea, ate blood sausage and had terrible teeth.