Anna G’s Guide to Relationship Gifts

I guess this post might be a bit too late for Valentine’s Day, but, well, I trust that most of you have all survived in one piece.  But for those of you who have horribly fucked up, well, I guess you still have today to make up for it.  And that’s where I come in!

Remember in the back of your student planner or address book where they’d have a guide to what type of element to give to your significant other after 1 year, 2 years, etc?  Yeah, that made no sense to me either.   I have this image of a guy at my doorstep holding a log and a sheet of paper.  Maybe that type of thing flies in England, circa 1476, but this is Amuurica in 2010.  THE FUTURE IS LITERALLY NOW.  Without further ado, here’s my update, courtesy of your resident asshole, Anna G.:

Who dat ninja, indeed!

6+ Years
Hopefully by now, you’ve gotten to know what your significant other would want.  If for some reason that’s not the case, to paraphrase Tracy Jordan, maybe you guys are just gettin’ too old for this (relation)ship.  Maybe the best gift you’re capable of giving is the gift of freedom.

2 Years
Well, it’s probably already serious, or on its way to getting there soon.  Instead of getting your significant other something generic like jewelery, maybe try and think about the things they’re interested in, on a non-boring level.  This might be controversial, but I would personally be over the fucking moon if someone gave me both boxed sets of Scorsese classic movies.  Just sayin’– if it reflects one of their interests, it’s fairly pricey, and a weird/somewhat nerdy thing for them to get for themselves, it’s probably a good gift idea.

9 Months- 1 Year
This is tricky, because you don’t want to go too overboard here.  Clearly you like this person, and if you’ve been dating nearly a year, that’s somewhat significant, but it’s not necessarily any reason to be spending Scorsese boxed set-amounts of money (could I be dropping more hints? Someone get on this, stat! I don’t care HOW I know you) on them.  I say, it’s perfume/cologne or cute scarf-giving time.  You can never own too many fragrances or scarves.  It’s science.

5 Months

This is pretty tricky, because I feel like it’s usually the point of no return in a relationship. If you choose to continue dating this person, ideally, your gift should again, not be too over the top, but should reflect that you have a basic understanding of their likes and dislikes (i.e whatever you do, don’t get them anything resembling a bear from Hallmark).  Books are key here, as they assume that your date is literate AND is that you “get”them.  It’s a win-win.

1 Month
Regardless of there being any exclusivity conversations, taking the person you’re dating to a show is at once thoughtful and hands-off.  It’s not an actual, tangible THING, but it still says, “Hey, I care about what bands you like and as it turns out, we have similar taste.  Let’s continue exchanging genital fluids!”  Even if the actual excursion ends up being a dud, hey, at least you got to see a show.

1-2 Weeks/Approx 4 Dates
Awkward!! Should you even be getting them gifts at all?  That’s really more up to you and your particular context.  Maybe something small, or a dinner or something at moderately priced restaurant– Dumont in Williamsburg is good for almost all dating scenarios.  Though, try to reign in your desire a little to dive into their amazing Dumac n’ Cheese a la Scrooge McDuck– on the other hand, if your date doesn’t like it, they’re probably not human, just FYI.