BoozeNew YorkNY-Excerpts

Fuck the Mars Bar!

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This piece originally appeared in Broke-Ass Stuart’s Guide to Living Cheaply in New York City

Have you ever come across someone who is such a total fucking asshole, that they’re proud of being an asshole? In fact, they’re so proud of being one and doing such overtly asshole-ish things, that they end-up becoming a parody of an asshole? Like they’ll do or say something fucked up, not because they necessarily mean it, but because that’s what assholes are supposed to say and do? You follow me? Well if Mars Bar were a person, it would be that person.

If you’ve never been there, Mars Bar is pretty much the last of the old East Village/Lower East Side punk bars. It smells like shit, the walls are completely covered in graffiti, the jukebox only plays punk, the shots are poured huge, and the patrons are old, surly or both. These are all good things that help make a respectable dive bar. But when you ask the bartender for some soap (because some big punk fucker licked your friend’s face, uninvited, and she wants wash off the gross saliva) and the barkeep answers, “This is the Mars Bar man. There’s no soap in the Mars Bar,” that’s when you know the place has become a parody of itself.

Really dude? Are you fucking kidding me? There’s no soap because this is the Mars Bar? If I hadn’t diffused the situation, saliva guy would’ve had a bottle broken over his head. If there’s no soap in Mars Bar, how do you clean blood off the seats and floor?

Mars Bar
25 E 1st St. @ 2nd Ave.
[East Village]

photo from City of Strangers

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Broke-Ass Stuart - Editor In Cheap

Broke-Ass Stuart - Editor In Cheap

I've been called "an Underground legend": SF Chronicle , "an SF cult hero": SF Bay Guardian, and "the chief of cheap": Time Out New York, but to those familiar with my work, I'm just "that douchebag who writes books about cheap stuff and drinks a lot".

6 Comments

  1. April 1, 2010 at 10:44 am

    Stuart, WE ARE ON THE SAME FUCKING PAGE HERE! What a joke that place is.

  2. Antony T
    April 3, 2010 at 7:46 pm

    It was my second home throughout the 90s. It probably does suck now.

  3. dave
    April 6, 2010 at 8:42 am

    Stuart, It’s Mars Bar! Deal.

  4. April 30, 2010 at 3:01 pm

    Right on Stewart.

  5. Dale
    July 30, 2010 at 9:28 am

    Wow, I am surprised you went in there considering you’re such a prissy

  6. TED
    December 10, 2010 at 11:11 pm

    Next time order a shot of vodka and clean her face with that! It’s a terrific antiseptic and I know they have some on hand. Then throw a buck into the Jukebox and play some undertones and be happy you weren’t stabbed.