An Open Letter to Ke$ha, RE: “Tik Tok”

Get some sleep! You look tired!

Dear Ke$ha,

I was moving apartments last week and of course the truck I rented only had a radio, so I was forced to listen to your #1 Hit Song “Tick Tock” about 17 times in one day and let me tell you, whoever it is who writes your lyrics really has the “stuff 13 year old girls think they care about” thing nailed. I mean, I assume that’s the target audience of your song/personal brand because I’m pretty sure that’s who every song on the radio is directed at. (Because of how they can’t afford CD’s on their $200-a-week allowances or whatever.) But I’ve been wrong before!

Anyway, I wanted to let you know that I have just a few problems with some of these lyrics. No, I am not a concerned parent, I’m just not really sure you know what you’re talking about because of how you’re like 16 or whatever. So I think maybe you should have at least read over these lines your producer handed you before singing them into something other than a hairbrush in front of your bathroom mirror. Your lyricist doesn’t seem very “in touch” with the whole Los Angeles Kiddie-disco thing, is what I’m saying.

First of all, you “wake up in the morning feeling like P-Diddy”? What does that even mean? You woke up with the sudden urge to rap over classic rock radio hits? I think that’s what this means. What does P-Diddy even do these days? Making the Bands? Is that what you feel like doing? If I were P. Diddy, I’d probably wake up feeling like an asshole everyday.

OK, and this “brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack” thing? Look: sometimes I drink what most people would think of as an inappropriate amount of whiskey, but brushing your teeth with a bottle of Jack Daniels is something only an amateur would claim. The rest of us would just rinse those chompers out with mouthwash and then head to brunch to choose a more appropriate breakfast drink. Like a Mimosa. Or a Greyhound maybe, if we’re feeling extra fancy. I dunno, I’m just offering suggestions here.

Speaking of which, I don’t really have anything to add about the part where you repeat-pete all the words-words (it’s probably easier than rhyme-rhyming). I’ll let you off the hook for that, because I too wrote some really terrible poetry when I was your age (you’re in 9th grade, right?). What I don’t understand though, is why you have to “fight ’til you see the sunlight.” Are you fighting to stay awake? I hope not, that’s what gets you into some pretty terrible Lindsay Lohan-territory. Maybe you just have to fight for your right to party? Beastie Boys-style? I guess that’s OK, but I’m kind of worried about your relationships with boys. You seem to have to punch them a lot. Are you fighting with the DJ because he just blew your speakers up? Actually now that I’m thinking about it, lots of people are blowing up stuff in this song. Phones, speakers, etc. I think you might be partying in the wrong part of Los Angeles. It kind of sounds more like Afghanistan.

And then you almost had me with this whole “not a care in the world because you’ve got plenty of beer” thing though. That kind of sounds nice! Like a pleasant day drinking in the park, maybe! Or at the beach, even! But you had to go and bring up all the dudes lining up! Apparently they heard you got swagger? I think that’s what happened at my favorite taco truck. They must have started serving swagger tacos because I have to wait like 20 minutes to get food now. Lame!

Also, you mentioned you only like boys who look like Mick Jagger. Have you seen Mick Jagger lately? The last time he looked even remotely attractive your mom was probably busy trying to give you Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. (I’m sorry, that was mean of me to say. I apologize, Sir Mick Jagger. You’re quite the handsome devil, you.)

Although after that line, I think maybe your lyricist called it a day, because the song just kind of repeats over and over until it kind of stops out of nowhere. Which was a relief, to be honest. Although, we might have to talk about this music video boyfriend of yours:

(photos from BellaSugar, CoolerThanThou, TheBestGossip)