How Not To Write A Breakup Letter

Hey, you know what’s not acceptable in almost any circumstance?  Breaking up with someone via email.  I mean, maybe if you’re breaking up with your Second Life wife, that’s one thing, but if you’re over the age of 15 and you’ve met the person you’re dating in real life, writing an email can come off a bit insensitive.  What most certainly always makes it worse, is that the type of people who email breakup letters forgot to learn how to read/write, and/or think like an adult human being.

So, I guess if you choose to for some reason write a breakup letter and email it, here’s what you should absolutely NOT DO:

1) Before you write the letter, don’t invite the person you’re breaking up with on a vacation

I mean, I know it will save you some cash on a hotel and all, but it’s a pretty dick move.

2) Your subject line should absolutely NOT be the following: “From [your name]”

I feel like this is the first sign that this whole breakup letter thing was a bad idea.  Clearly literal-minded things like “Breakup! (SPOILER ALERT!)” aren’t the best of options, but putting “From [your name]” simply indicates that you don’t understand how the whole email thing works.  I say, leave it blank, or give up and meet them in person.

3) Don’t say “I truly value our friendship”

This is almost like wishing condolences to your friend who’s father just died via facebook– the medium totally negates the message.

4) Don’t EVER use passive language

Oh really?  You just woke up one day and “found yourself” to have been manipulated in some situation that you had zero part in?  Sounds totally credible.  You know what people LOVE to hear?  That they’re ENTIRELY to blame for things.  Because that’s you know, totally always true in every situation.

5) Don’t use the phrase “in love” incorrectly

It’s not a band, it’s not someone’s hyphenated last name, and this isn’t Germany where they capitalize letters in the middle of words and sentences for no conceivable reason.  There’s just no excuse for typing “In-Love”, except when you’re explaining how that phrase should never, ever be written.

6) Don’t be afraid to use commas

Really, it’s ok!  Otherwise, it just seems like you don’t know how to read.  Though, don’t go comma crazy either.  Really, you should just re-take all your grade school grammar classes, or maybe begin each work day with 15 minutes of Silent Sustained Reading and work your way up to 6th grade.

7) FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DO NOT sign off with: “Your Pal”

Though there are approximately 80 billion things wrong with this, here are the top 3: (1) If you’re asking someone to continue being friends with you (which, as we all know is the biggest empty promise/cliche in the history of the world), it’s kinda presumptuous and telling of your general attitude to proclaim yourself their “pal”, (2) “Pal”?!? Who says that when not referring to a pet?  Is that supposed to be a joke?  Did we get magically transported back to a 1945 movie starring Frank Sinatra?, (3) Um YEAH, I get that you’re trying to break up, I’m pretty sure “Your Pal” isn’t a necessary factor in driving the message home.

8 ) If you have a joke email signature, you should probably delete it

Especially if this joke refers to you as being any sort of “playa” or some such “joke” that you secretly believe is true.

So if you ABSOLUTELY need to write a breakup letter, the least you could do is follow up with a face-to-face meeting.  If you are the one who finds themselves at the reception end of someone’s moron letter, I say, take it as an opportunity to make a clean break and cut off all ties to this person, write them off as an idiot, and never speak of it again….except to your friends, who have absolutely no problem ripping your ex a new asshole in both private and public forums.