What NOT To Play Back At Your House

So you’ve successfully nabbed your date back to the old pad.  Instead of filling the noise with an endless stream of your unstoppable chatter, it’s probably a good move to throw some music on.  This can be tricky, because you don’t want to come off as sleazy, lame, or just plain stupid.  I know the ultimate pass for everyone is that you’re just listening to whatever bad music ironically…but like, is this REALLY the best time to be “ironic”, guys??

Here are some things that you definitely want to uncheck on the old itunes next time you’re trying to lure your date into bed:

1. The Dave Matthews Band (or any sort of Jam band)

Who is it that likes these bands, exactly?  Who are these people in joker hats?  I don’t know, and I don’t want to know them, much less sleep with them.  Just keep that under wraps, ok, guys?  Just until at least I leave, so even if the whole thing is a debacle anyway, I’ll come away with some shred of dignity.

2. Anything that blatantly has “sex” or “getting it on” in the lyrics

This large category includes Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On”, the entirety of Barry White’s catalogue (include any Taylor Dayne covers too), etc.  I know Stuart will totally take issue with me on this one, but I just feel like, if it’s my first time having sex with someone, I’m just going to think you are super literal-minded and uncreative.  Not to mention super cheesy, or secretly cheesy trying to pretend you’re ironically cheesy.

3. The Yin Yang Twins

As awesome as the Whisper Song is, there is probably nothing more terrifying for a woman than hearing “Wait ’till you see my dick, hey, bitch! …I’m’a beat the pussy up…”  Even in jest, this can be a huge turnoff.  I know, it’s crazy, but it’s true.

4. Eminem

Similar to my point about the Yin Yang Twins,the absolute LAST thing I’d EVER want to hear at a dude’s apartment is ’97 Bonnie & Clyde.  Like, hands down.  Plus, the semi-amusing ramblings of a man-child light years away from his biological adolescent years isn’t the biggest turn-on either.

5. Closing Time, by Supersonic

I don’t know what it is about this song that brings me to the brink of an insane rage.  Maybe it’s the overwrought delivery and GODAWFULLY painful hook coming from a nearly unbelievably milquetoast set of individuals claiming to be musicians…I just.I can’t.  It makes me feel like I’m at the business end of a “Now That’s What I Call Music Volume 500” campaign to destroy my brainz.