Arts and Culture

Giant Squid – Masters of the Ocean

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This is the story I was born to tell. The story of the Giant Squid. When I first learned of the existence of this mammoth animal, I was mesmerized, enraptured; a fan for life. I quickly became an authority on all things giant squid. Few could school me on the almost unbelievable facts of their existence. Does this make me a freak? Maybe a little bit. But freak or no freak, there aint no denying the awesomeness of the Giant Squid.

Since the first live photos were captured in 2005, more and more knowledge about the Giant and Colossal Squid has surfaced (hehe…get it?). For the last century or so all we’ve known of the animal was deduced from carcasses washed ashore and squid beaks found in the stomachs of sperm whales.

Now that science has gotten it’s act together and advanced technologies have allowed deeper and deeper ocean exploration more is known about the Giant Squid and it’s even larger and elusive cousin, the Colossal Squid. Below are what I believe to be the four of the most bad-ass facts about both species, and some wicked cool pictures for emphasis.

Giant Squid are Effing Giant
Giant squid can reach up to 13 meters (43 ft) and Colossal squid are generally much bigger, notated by the question mark on most comparison charts (helpful). The reason for this is that they (scientists) just don’t know how big these mothas can get. The largest ever captured Colossal Squid was 33ft and 1,091 lbs. and the size of it’s beak was significantly smaller than many found in whales’ stomachs, which means the big one is still out there…or in a whale stomach.

Whale: It’s what’s for Dinner
I couldn’t find any current articles to confirm this, but my high school science teacher told me, so I’m pretty sure it’s true. Anyway, Sperm Whales and Giant Squid are like the Bethenny and Jill of the ocean. The squid live in the depths of the ocean, where the pressure is too great for the Whales to survive and vice versa. Their battle is one of strength and endurance. Whichever beast can drag the other to it’s high/lower pressure home will be the victor and enjoy a tasty dinner of calamari or…blubber.

Beaks and Eyes and Tentacles, Oh My!
The Colossal Squid has the largest eye of any animal on Earth, uses a giant parrot-like beak to eat it’s prey, and hooks on it’s tentacles. ‘Nuff said.

The Laziest Monster
It has recently been discovered that Colossal Squid are not the aggressive, lightening-fast sea monsters that they were once thought to be. No matter. Any creature that can kill it’s prey by simply floating around and ambushing it whenever it damn well pleases is pretty bad-ass in my book.

Now, my friends, I leave you with this trailer for a movie that tried to re-create the awesomeness that is the Giant Squid, but got lost along the way.  I think it was when they hired Lorenzo Lamas and made a movie about a Giant Octopus (as opposed to Squid) but at least they have Debbie Gibson.

[youtube Fa7ck5mcd1o]

Photos and sources from: Brandon Bird, i.imgur.com, nationalgeographic.com, dailymail.co.uk, news.bbc.co.uk

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Alison Lambert - Half Price Headliner

Alison Lambert - Half Price Headliner

Ali was born and raised in the Wholesome/Creepy capital of the world, Salt Lake City, UT. Once she was old enough to blow that pop stand she escaped to the place that was the anti-SLC: The Peoples Gay-public of Drugifornia aka San Francisco (holla 30 Rock!). You can now find her throughout this glorious city slurping Pho and scheming with her best friend Pinky doing what they do every night; try and take over the world.