Does Playing Lacrosse Lead to Rape?

What with Mel Gibson’s recent outburst, this particular story has not gotten the media “buzz” that I feel it so richly deserves, but nevertheless, I will continue.

I guess, like a lot of people, I’m horrified and saddened and everything else about what happened with Judy Blume’s grandson. Yes, for those not in the know, Blume’s grandson allegedly raped a girl at a party at Blume’s house. Details are sketchy but we know two things for sure:

1. Kid’s name is Elliot Blume-Pickle

2. He played'.wait for it'.lacrosse.

I can’t imagine what Judy Blume is thinking right now. But I know what you’re thinking, cause I’m thinking the very same thing: How could someone with such an adorable name ever commit so heinous an act?  The mind swims.

Elliot, right off the fucking bat, makes me think only of this:

Cute.

And then Blume-Pickle? Blume-Pickle?  PICKLE?

Get right the hell out of here with that, you lovable scamp! Rape-shmape, you’re just so adorable.

But rape is not cute, and this whole sordid mess seems, tragically, like pretty well worn territory: some rich kid at his parents fancy ass Cape House gets wasted and bad shit goes down. I can almost see the Restoration Hardware fixtures and the Garnet Hill bedding and smell the peony room fragrance diffuser sticks left out in the guest bedroom.

Maybe also, it’s about time that we as a society realized how much being a lacrosse player factors into a person’s likelihood of being convicted of sexual assault. You put a lacrosse stick in a boy’s hands, and sooner or later he’s gonna rape somebody, or at least be wrongly accused of rape. It seems unfair to say it, I know, but I don’t make the rules people. By now one would think that the formula should be clear to everyone, yet the sport continues to exist, sanctioned and even funded by many educational institutions.

Remember when there were all of those school shootings and the media and whomever else urged us to recognize the 'œprofile' of a school shooter?  Maybe, as illustrated by repeated incidents like this it would behoove us all to recognize the 'œprofile' of a probably date rapist.  To wit, ten red-flag raising characteristics:

1. Caucasian male, most likely blond, almost certainly tanned.

2. Athletic build.

3. Family owns multiple houses, usually one at a seaside location.

4. Drives a Sport Utility Vehicle. Color: red.  Model is generally new, but possibly gently used.

5. Has previously attended a Dave Matthews Band concert and spoke fondly of the experience, referring to the lead singer simply as 'œDave.'

6. Plays lacrosse, or 'œlax' as it is casually known.

7. Owns skiis.

8. Had sex for the first time 'œover the summer' with a girl he met at sailing camp.

9. House filled with many adorable black and white photos of he and his siblings frolicking on the beach, at a picnic or sitting on the lap of an elderly, wealthy-looking white person.

10. Polo shirts.

Constant Vigilance is required.