5 Worst NYC-Related Status Updates

We just can’t get enough of a certain social network, can we? Not to encourage seeing that movie. It looks like an overwrought snoozefest.

Anywhoozle, here are my nominations to the worst facebook status updates ever that are related in some way to New York City and its metropolitan area:

1) Hey, where did Fall/Spring go, amirite? NYC is so crazaaayyyyy!

It can’t be that crazy if I literally hear this EVERY.SINGLE.YEAR. Yes, those in-between seasons are brief. It’s really nothing to write home about. Or, you know, on facebook about. Also, this reminds me of an amazing The Onion Weekender cover that I cannot for the life of me find anywhere on the internets that says: “Walking Across Campus With Friends: Is It for You?” Someone please get on that.

2) First day at NYU and just had a really meaning conversation with Rex in the dorm about apartheid!

No you didn’t. I guarantee you didn’t. Go write in your journal about that shit, and god-willing, you’ll be horribly embarrassed about it in 4 years without having to live with the fact that you went public about your own naïveté and stupidity. Please NYU students, you keep to your dorm areas, and I won’t Hulk out next time I’m in the East Village. Though, I guess it serves me right for going to the East Village, though, because it really is just a giant dorm. Touché, devil’s advocate Anna!

3) Hey I guess it’s TRUE that if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere! Good ‘Ol Blue Eyes!

No one wants to hear about your success, much less in a ridiculously hackneyed way. And if you think that they do, you’re a complete dick. Also, get off my land.

4) I just saw a bum do XYZ thing. Welcome to New York!
Unless it is an extra hilarious thing and you’re making fun of the usage of “Welcome to New York” or “Only in New York” variation, you just need to stop. See #3 above.

5) Some completely mundane and passive-aggressive thing about living in New York, guys!

I’m not going to give an example because I am too paranoid. But you know who you are. Cease and desist, por favor.