On Being A Mistress

Let me start off by saying that I could not, for the life of me think of a more grammatically/culturally correct term for someone who is not technically cheating on a boyfriend or girlfriend, but is participating on the other end of a someone cheating on their boyfriend/girlfriend. So, even though it sounds crazy and antiquated, I’m using “mistress”, whether or not I’m referring to a man or woman– like, what would even be the term for a man? A “mister”? WTF. Anywho, another disclaimer, please keep in mind that I am not advocating for this type of behavior, but rather trying to help. Because don’t act like you’re above that shit, or like you’ve never been on either end at some point in your life– at the very least you’ve been tempted.  Just admit it. You’re human.

If there is one point that I want to make in all this is that it’s not abnormal as a human being to feel tempted to cheat,or cheat with someone, it’s just the act of fulfilling that temptation that is really the issue. And you know what? Shit happens. Though not everyone who cheats or cheats with someone has to commit some sort of self-flagellation or is automatically the worst human being on earth, there is such a thing as taking it too far. So, here are some things to keep in mind if you’re either tempted or are already involved with someone who has a boyfriend or girlfriend.

Do you really want to hurt you?
If you’re anything like me and had guilt drilled into you from the minute you were born, you’re probably going to have lots of sleepless nights over the fact that you’re an accessory in cheating. As thrilling or fulfilling on some level as the actual physical aspect of the involvement may be, does it really outweigh the relentless telltale heart-like pounding of guilt in your head? Just the thought of it makes me want to have a lobotomy. To paraphrase Boy George: do you really want to hurt you?

OK, so you’re hell-bent on self-destruction (that don’t impress me much)
Most of the time, when you’re on a crazy path to self-destruction or are feeling particularly insecure, you tend to not want to listen to reason. Fine. You’ve got to learn the hard way. But you know what? This isn’t like drinking excessively or going on a dangerous karaoke mission. You’re bringing many people down with you into your world of pain. Or maybe it is like a dangerous karaoke mission, actually. Someone please talk me out of conquering Shania Twain.

Wherever you go, whatever you do….
Richard Marx will totally not be right here waiting for you. Do NOT expect the person you’re cheating with to break up with his/her girl/boyfriend for you. It’s a cliche for a reason.

It’s none of your business
As the wisdom of noted philosophers Salt N’ Pepa has taught us, it’s not anyone’s business to make you feel bad about what you’re doing sexually (even if it’s sort of questionable). No one who isn’t directly involved in what you’re doing should moralize with you and make you feel like some sort of aberration. Plus, you’re probably too busy whipping yourself at night anyway. Now, it’s one thing to disagree with what you’re doing, and believe me, it’s definitely a sensitive issue, but you should be having rational and relaxed conversations with your friends– no hellfire and brimstone necessary. It’s like the same logic as yelling at a fat person to stop being so fat– you think they’re really going to feel better about themselves enough to make positive changes in their life because you’re degrading them?

Stay low blow like Hootie
So, what if the person you thought you were having a fling with JUST tells you NOW that he has a girlfriend? Well, that doesn’t mean that you can pretend like it never happened. What it does mean is that: a) this isn’t really your fault ultimately, and b) commence operation phase-out. This is your perfect chance to break it off and have a real, tangible reason to give istead of 5,000 hours of talking and sex breaks. Don’t waste this opportunity.

End of the road, Boyz II Men, ABC BBD
Use the same impulse that led you into temptation to get you out of it. Doing sexy bad things is a rush, right? Well, breaking it off suddenly will also give you a kind of rush, and you’ll be much better off in the long-run. When it comes down to it, you know it’s a bad sich, and you know you’re being selfish, and you know it’s not sustainable. Just end it, put it behind you, and have start having semi-reckless sex with people that aren’t attached, if you must.

Photos courtesy of: Richard Johnson UK blog, abc news, clusterflock, factmag, tampabay.com, virgin media,and  hot beat music.