Best of The Hairpin’s Fuck, Marry, Kill

I don’t know if you guys have been 'œaware' of Julie Klausner and Natasha Vargas-Cooper’s F/M/K feature on the Hairpin, but lemme tell ya, it’s one of my most favorite things from 2010 to continue into 2011. It’s a real comfort in this birds-falling-from-the-sky kind of world we live in to see that other women besides me give an insane amount of critical thought to these types of things. Allow me to act as a Reader’s Digest or Cliffs Notes for the barely literate and share some of highlights thus far:

Warren Beatty, Jack Nicholson, and Dustin Hoffman

Like Natasha Vargas-Cooper, I also chose my F/M/K thusly:

F= Jack Nicholson (obvs)

M= Warren Beatty

K= Dustin Hoffman

Klausner, however, gives a compelling argument against Beatty: 'œ[H]e can play all the senators and gangsters he cares to cast himself as, but he’s nothing besides a poon-drenched tomcat with a Clintonian smile, as far as I’m concerned'. ZING!!!

That said, though, I kinda of disagree with Klausner’s argument pro-Hoffman. He might be 'œnormal' and 'œfamiliar', but like, only if you’re from the Upper East Side. Even though I guess he was kinda cute in a couple of movies, he doesn’t hold a fucking candle to Beatty or Nicholson. I propose he should be in some sort of Elliott Gould/George Segal F/M/K scenario. I was going to say James Caan, but he’s kind of in a different league (of extraordinary gentlemen).

Oh, and also, I feel like Dustin Hoffman must have been a prick to women, but like, under the radar. I have a theory that average- and below-average-looking guys are actually much bigger pricks than really attractive guys sometimes, because they feel slighted for looking so blah.

Bill Murray, Steve Martin, or Chevy Chase

This was a juicy one. All of them, let’s face it, would be TERRIBLE to marry, but I chose this:

F= Chevy Chase

M= Bill Murray

K= Steve Martin

You’d THINK Steve Martin would be the obvious choice to marry, but, um no. As Klausner points out, he’s, ya know, hugely pretentious now, and the whole novella-turned movie co-starring the artist formerly known as Angela Chase aka the spokesperson for that weird lash growth thing and 'œhimself as Ho-hum Humbert in a Goddamn Neiman Marcus'.

Though I also sort of agree with Klausner’s 'œride him till he quits smirking' assessment of Chevy Chase, Vargas-Cooper’s assertion that Chase is 'œlike a bowl of noodles and cocaine that I just want to slither around in all day' is pretty much spot-on. No other explanation is needed besides that us half-Latina, half-Jewish girls know what’s up.

James Gandolfini, Steve Buscemi, and Michael Imperioli

This is where I come out of the closet with my 'œBuscexuality'. And this is also where they had me at 'œBuscemi'. HOWEVER, in my old age, I have made the unprecedented  decision to choose Gandolfini over Seymour from Ghostworld. I’m going to have to, like my soulmate Vargas-Cooper, take him out Old Yeller style and say goodbye to my childhood.

F= Michael Imperioli

M= James Gandolfini

K= Steve Buscemi

Yes, marry Tony Soprano. Marriage is a farce anyway, right?

This is my proposal to Klausner and Vargas-Cooper, besides the James Caan one: John Edwards, Barack Obama, Nicolas Sarkozy.

Photo Courtesy of Heeb Magazine.