Having it All

Ah, to have it all. Do you ever look around at your life, when you’re too hungover to operate the Xbox controller, and think to yourself, how do I manage to balance all these aspects of work, school, and relationships sooooo well??

Me too. And, like Gywenth Paltrow, I have recently become concerned for other individuals who appear to not have it all. Individuals who I often see taking their own clothes to the laundromat, instead of arranging for their assistant to arrange for someone else to wash their clothes for them.

Therefore I have taken it upon myself to share a few of the secrets to having it all.

1) Make a lot of money

You could also take that extra step to ensure you will have it all and marry someone who makes a lot of money too.

2) Pay people to do everything for you

Ironing clothes is an inefficient use of your time when you could be making homemade ricotta for the brunch you are hosting for your power-couple friends, including but not limited to Jay-Z and Beyonce, who enjoy being around you for some unfathomable reason.

Thus, you should always pay someone else to do these sorts of menial tasks. Important: make sure to tip service people liberally, and learn their names!! They cannot be prasied too often on a job well done.

If these first two steps are for some reason not possible for you? Which is weird, and hard to imagine, but I’m trying to think of a situation where this might be the case… I suppose if you were born in Darfur, and are now living in a refugee camp in Chad where reliable car services and Wash-N-Folds are not available…? Also perhaps if you went to a public school — well, then you may not be able to have it all. In which case, there are some alternate approaches:

1) Rotate the arenas in which you will fail week by week

Sometimes you may have to sacrifice basic household cleanliness and live in squalor in order to finish whatever insanely relevant paper you are working on for school. Or maybe you are not going to have much time for your boyfriend/girlfriend, because work is insane. That’s fine! Just try to make sure that you rotate being a shitty girlfriend with being a shitty roommate, classmate, or co-worker roughly every other week, so that no one feels neglected.

2) Redefine 'œhaving it all' for your own situation

Your idea of having it all might heavily involve “Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood” instead of maternity and strollers. I think this is fine. Procreating is bad for the environment anyway.

3) Realize that having it all is sort of obnoxious anyway

No one would be able to stand being in the same room as you, except other obnoxious people who have it all, so you should probably be grateful you are slightly inept at most things.