Jumping to Dating Conclusions

It seems to me that the more of an overactive imagination you had as a child, sometimes the more that sort of thing can carry over into adulthood, and subsequently, other aspects of your life– like dating. After reading this hysterical thing about over-analyzing texts on The Hairpin, it really took me back to all the times me and/or my friends have come to really insane conclusions about people’s actions, texts or otherwise, in the context of the ridiculous game we play called dating. But also, sometimes we can come to totally logical conclusions based on the inappropriately misleading acts of others: hilarity ensues! Also crying.

Por ejemplo:

1) Guy introduces girlfriend to parents. What does it MEEEAN? Apparently, nothing.
So, my friend was worried for a while that things were going not great or at the speed she wanted with this one guy. Then, sort of out of nowhere, he introduces her to his parents. And not only introduces– but takes her on vacation with them for a long weekend. Can you guess what happens next?
He breaks up with her two weeks later. When questioned as to why he introduced her to his parents/took her on a trip with them if he claims to have not been “feeling it anymore”, his murky response was something along the lines of “I didn’t think it was that big of a deal”. I don’t know who that speaks more poorly of– the way that he feels about his parents or the way that he feels about the woman he was dating. Probably just means that he’s generally completely clueless, and possibly 5 years old.

2) Guy goes on a trip, calls you every day except for ONE day– a day you happen to get drunk.
Well, he’s obviously having sex with an ex-girlfriend or some secret affair he keeps going back to every time he’s in that city. He probably has a string of people in every port, on every single trip he ever goes on somehow. It’s probably taken him probably years to build this network empire of side bitches!! I KNEW that one comment he said three months ago that sounded a little to sympathetic to biological determinism could only implicate something larger! Well, time to end things and not explain anything, because what’s the point? So he can lie to you again about his veritable Peen Empire? Well, then, he’s got another thing coming, LET ME TELL YOU! I’m not one of those people that wants to make a scene! Just a clean break for me, no questions asked! No questions at all! I’m just going to call him and be like “See you in HELL!” CLICK. (Passes out).

3) You make, what you think, is a pretty funny off-the-cuff joke, and he responds with nothing. Zero reaction.
Great, I’m the most retarded person ever. I thought that joke was funny? THINK AGAIN! You’re a child. You have a shitty sense of humor, and now you’re just embarrassing everyone. Maybe it was too vulgar? Maybe not vulgar enough? Maybe people have made that joke 10 billion times before and he’s just so fucking tired of it, he can’t even pretend to muster the strength to give you a fake polite laugh, because you are irretrievably behind the times.
What’s really going on? The dude didn’t understand the joke or hear it completely/wasn’t listening. Which, honestly, is reason enough to probably dump him.

4) Guy takes you out on a date and either sleeps with you or refuses to sleep with you.
Conclusion: He hates you and you hate yourself.
Reality: Probably. If you feel weird after a date and can’t really explain why, the person is probably not attracted to you and you are probably not attracted to them, regardless if you sleep together or not.

5) You get into some crazy huge heated argument with this guy that you vaguely know.
This guy makes me so maddddddddd! My voice is at an unsustainably high decibel and I feel like I’m gonna explode! I’ve never hated anyone more in my life than I hate him!
Reality: You probably have a fucked up crush on him, because you’re a fucking child.

6) Person drops the L bomb waaaaay too early
Well, I’ll just go ahead and conclude that I’m undeniably awesome and never think about it again. Everyone is trustworthy and always says what they mean!
Reality: He’s lying, he doesn’t know what he wants, or he has some fucked up self-serving agenda. Or all three!

7) He’s being super crazy with you in public, shouting, saying terrible things, and bringing up really old shit that smacks of insecurity on his part
Well, he must reeeeeeaaaaaalllly like me and care about me ohhh sooo much! Poor dear!
Reality: The opposite. Plus, he’s probably cheating on you.

Photo Courtesy of rawapps.com.