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How To Get More Bang (wink wink) For Your bottle

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Get Freaky Y'all

Get freaky y’all

So, it’s Valentine’s week (Yes, it’s an entire week now. Sorry.) and I don’t care if you’re fully ball-n-chained or single and swinging that thang all over the city, one thing V-day evokes in every last warm-blooded human being is the desire to get… some. You know what I’m talking about, tiger. Yeeeaaaah.

Furthermore, let’s face it. Most of you really got no game (fellas, I’m talking to you right now). No really, you don’t. It’s nothing personal… I’m sure you’re an awesome person with a passable moral compass, but when it comes to making your ladies melt like a blue slurpee on a hot summer day, you’re likely winging it.

Enter booze.

Ok, so maybe getting some isn’t actually all that difficult once booze enters the equation, but it still doesn’t mean you got game. If you want to own the situation, you need to get medieval subliminal on that shit. Send a message in a bottle, if you will?

Let’s start with the type of booze- if you haven’t noticed, ladies love and expect to be greeted with a bottle of wine on V-day. If you’ve done your homework (i.e. read my column), she won’t know that it’s just a cheap means to her rear end. All she’ll see (and subliminally think about) are these things:

The Enclosure

– Cork: says “I’m old fashioned, romantic, and strong enough to pull this sticky cork out of the bottle. And stick it back in. And pull it out. And in. And out….” You get the idea.

– Screwcap: Dude, it’s a “screw” cap. She’s bound to have a dirty interpretation of that somewhere underneath all those poised, logical synapses.

The Look

– Pink: If you want her to think you’re some kind of sensitive, touchy-feely guy.

– Red: If you want to fire up her inner passions (aka, get freaky).

– White: If you want to play it cool or let her know you can get freaky AND still be besties.

– Bubbles: Bubbles can include all categories above and below. It’s a pretty safe move, actually (if not totally obvious). But bubbles don’t suck. Ever.

The Sugar

– Sweet: Sort of speaks for itself… I also just personally think sweet wines are aphrodisiacs, so there’s that.

– Dry: Probably has more alcohol than the sweet wine, which means you can spend less time drinking, more time being freaky.

The Pairing: La Pièce de Résistance!

– Pink wines pair well with everything. For reals, eat whatever the hell you want because you just bought your girl a PINK-f’n-WINE. If she’s into that, then you’re good to go, compadre.

– Red: Big fat steak. She might compliment the cut of steak on her plate, but she’ll really be thinking about that salami in your pants.

– White: A well-made fish dish is a nice, grown-up type gesture. But NO crab. I don’t need to tell you what subliminal message that sends.

Mmm, meaty.

Mmm, so meaty.

My picks:

Bieler Père et Fils Provence Rosé (~$10) – French, dry, delicious. Also, not White Zin. You’re welcome.

Dibon Brut Reserva Cava (~$10) – If you go the obvies route, this is good bubbly.

Elsa Bianchi Malbec (~$9) – Argentine folks do two things really well: meat & Malbec. They probably do that thang really well too, but I haven’t checked that off my bucket list yet.

Rene Barbier Mediterranean White (~$6) – Screwcapped. Fruity, fun, & a little sweet, but not too sweet… kinda like yours truly.


Happy National Get Freaky Week! ~ TBC


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Emily Crichton - Two Buck Chick

Emily Crichton - Two Buck Chick

Emily grew up in the great American Midwest where she learned to appreciate the finer things in life, such as cheese curds, polka dancing, and building up a superhuman immune defense to lake sludge. Somewhere in her young adulthood, Emily got all kinds of geeky about wine and decided to forgo a life of luxury in order to be a pro wino in one of the most expensive cities on the planet. This career move would prove to be great for broke-asses everywhere seeking cheap, tasty wine suggestions, but not so great for Emily's predilection for anxiety-free bill-paying. On the rare occasion that she is not imbibing or writing about wine, Emily can usually be found traipsing around estate sales, defending her Wisconsin vernacular, challenging strangers to thumb-wrestling matches, and wishing "Three’s Company” was still on primetime TV.