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Drink Like a Baller, Spend Like a Broke-Ass

Updated: Mar 05, 2013 10:17
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Ugh, rich people. They’re always making us regular Joes feel so goddamn… poor. They drive around in their fancy-schmancy white stretch limos, eating caviar and endangered, baby mammals with their pinky sticking out, all while perpetually drowning in a sea of diamonds and mink stoles (paws still attached, of course). It’s just NOT FAIR, I tell you!

Take those Hollywood folks, for example. Did you know that on top of getting paid millions of dollars to memorize silly words and play kissy-face with each other all day long, they recently had a big party (“Invite Only” apparently- pssh whatever, snobs) where they all get dressed to the nines and then spend 4 hours congratulating and giving one another gold statues? It’s true! Oh what a glorious thing it must be to live amongst the elite.

But since we’re a bunch of broke-ass chumps (and damn proud of it), there’s not a whole lot we can do to squelch our envy except to drink. And since you were planning to drink anyway, I’ve got just the ticket. Or should I say, the dollar bill….

Listen up while my girl D E N A breaks it down:

What you want: Cash

What you need to drink: Skouras Peloponnese Red (~$11)

Why: If anyone knows how to make being broke look baller, it’s the Grecians. Those cats may be in a financial clusterfuck, but they have the most amazing gene pool, they live in the most beautiful country on the planet, they have redunk food, and they’ve been making delicious-ass wine for like a gazillion years. Damn.


What you want: Diamond rings

What you need to drink: Quinta da Aveleda Vinho Verde (~$8)

Why: It’s bright, exotic, and has a slight effervescence, which gives it that bling factor. Also, Vinho Verde literally means “green wine”. You know what else is green? MONEY, bitches!


What you want: A swimming pool

What you need to drink: Peachy Canyon “Incredible Red” (~$10)

Why: If you can’t have a swimming pool, you can always find a peachy little canyon, fill it up with your salty tears, and drown your sorrows for all of eternity.


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Emily Crichton - Two Buck Chick

Emily Crichton - Two Buck Chick

Emily grew up in the great American Midwest where she learned to appreciate the finer things in life, such as cheese curds, polka dancing, and building up a superhuman immune defense to lake sludge. Somewhere in her young adulthood, Emily got all kinds of geeky about wine and decided to forgo a life of luxury in order to be a pro wino in one of the most expensive cities on the planet. This career move would prove to be great for broke-asses everywhere seeking cheap, tasty wine suggestions, but not so great for Emily's predilection for anxiety-free bill-paying. On the rare occasion that she is not imbibing or writing about wine, Emily can usually be found traipsing around estate sales, defending her Wisconsin vernacular, challenging strangers to thumb-wrestling matches, and wishing "Three’s Company” was still on primetime TV.