There is a Secret Menu at Guy Fieri’s Vegas Kitchen & Bar and it’s Terrifying!

Welcome to our cooking column Eating My Feelings, where Calvin Amari shows all you broke bastards how to cook great food on the cheap and do it with hilarity. This motherfucker can cook, trust me. He’s a culinary genius.

Hey friends Cal here. Have you heard the news? He is risen!? No that’s not it, were talking food here… The James Beard nominations are in? Nope. That’s not nearly as important? It’s avocado season at Subway? No you fools! Guy Fieri’s Vegas Kitchen and Bar just released it’s menu!!!

Now I know what you’re thinking I’m just jumping on the hater bandwagon here and trying to be the first one on the blogosphere to eviscerate his new menu. But no friends I’m genuinely excited about this and am writing to celebrate this world wide flavor dominator.

I’ve been lucky enough to get ahold of the secret menu and now I’m sharing it with you dear readers. It’s like ordering “animal style” at In-N-Out but like “Super Crazy Kung-Fu Chop Animal Style”! Read below and let your mouth water.

Greenpeace Whale Fingers

Note: This is an actual picture of fried whale

We’ve baby-battered these Pacific sperm whale fingers in our signature Pepsi glue sauce over and over until we cover them in anger and corn flakes and deep fry them into submission. Then we force feed them to ducks until their livers are begging for mercy. Then and only then do we slice them open for human consumption. Beware, that tingling feeling is a stroke coming on. No double dipping.
$29.95

Guy’s “Tearful, Fearful” Chicken

Just prior to the public shaming

First we scare chickens to death. Once they’re tarred and feathered we bake them in a Dorito mayo outer shell. We completely debone them and stuff the whole thing into a suckling pig which we’ve dressed in a sad clown outfit and have publicly shamed. We carve it to order and laquer it in a house made paint thinner siracha aioli and then make live relatives of the chicken and pig walk the dish to your table, head hung in sorrow.
$21

Guys Five Alarm “Likely to Kill You” Spicy Beef Cabbage and Carrot Slaw

***The chef admits publicly to using vegetables in this dish. ***

This is what came up when I googled “whiskey watermelon fat booty baby”

First we thin slice freshly foraged root vegetables and free range cage free cabbage and set them to deteriorate in a bowl while we develop townships of flavor in our monkey cum and oyster broth pour over sauce dressing. Next we heat things up with some our Naga king chile whiskey watermelon fat booty baby marinated tri tips slices and whisk them in to create legions of zombie-like taste sensations. Eat at your own risk and rock the fuck on.
$18.50

American Patriot Burger

Four score and seven years ago our fore fathers set forth to rock monster burgers no matter what the cost.

We take two chipped beef patties charred and smothered in our nacho cheese burrito covering that is more American than president Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Kamacho and serve them on a traditional churro bun. We flavor colonize the fuck out of your plate until all the other dishes trade in their spot on the menu for some beads and then turn to fire water. Served with a side of “Fuck Ya” fries, lit on fire with the Olympic torch, and served by the cast of Full House in bondage gear.
$21
Add racism $3
Bring out the Gimp $12

Guys Big Block Chevy Chicken Wrap

First we take radiator fluid brined all natural silicone chicken breasts and spit roast them over a butane lighter till they’re blackened and raw. We hand carve them and finish them inside a blast furnace set to the temperature of the sun. We brush them with a butter honey rubber glaze using our flavor saver goatee brush set until they are sticky sweet and wrap them in a classic Chevy floor mat and lettuce.
$9.95

Randy the Macho Man Salad

Salads have never been this manly…until now!

We snap like seven or eight Slim Jim’s right right over a bed of dry-aged lettuce and flavor body slam the shit out of it using our house made Superfly Jimmy Snuka braided horse hair egg pepper jelly. Served in a squared circle and thrown to you off the top turnbuckle. You must wear tights to eat this.
$19.95

images from: epicportions, arlong park, moviefancentral, firstcoastnews, mojo.biz, chickpeasandchocolate, damewallis