Dear SF & LA: Shut Up And Hug It Out

Shhh. Stop whining. Let’s all eat burritos on a beach, together.

“Blah blah blah, TRAFFIC, blah blah blah SUPERFICIALITY! REALITY SHOW REJECTS!” is what I constantly hear from San Francisco citizens about my current residency in LA.

“Yackity shmackity, ZILLIONAIRE TECH ASSHOLES! PRICE OF RENT!” is what I hear about my city of origin from the citizens of LA.

Ok. Hi. You know what? This whole SF/LA temper tantrum about each other thing? Yeah. It’s getting fucking boring. Like many of you, I have lived in both places. They are both totally amazing in their own ways – from the wedding cake hills of San Francisco, to the predictably-perfect LA sunshine, there are so many reasons not to hate either one of them. And (cue angry disgruntled sports fan comments in 3, 2, 1…) when it comes down to it, GOD DOESN’T CARE WHAT BASEBALL TEAM YOU AFFILIATE WITH, no matter how much you may want her to. So shut up with this dumb fucking feud that has – for real though – put people in the hospital. All of us California dudes and babes live in the best state in the world, and here is a list of arguments to combat your argument every time you talk about why you moved away from SF and down to LA, or vice-versa.

SF RENT PRICES – So San Francisco was a bohemian paradise and then Google was invented and everyone got a zillion dollars and realized it was a city created for the cream of the crop regarding societal rejects…and then the rent prices went up. Oh fucking well. Gentrification is inevitable (sorry. It really is, though). Is that a good reason to be all bitter, and hate everything about a city you probably once loved? No. Just accept that that is what happens to every good thing everywhere and you had a great run. Love the memories, hater. As some old famous person who I’m too lazy to use said search engine to look up said, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.” Get over it, negativity gives you cancer sometimes, I heard.

This idiot has lived in both cities. Because idiots live everywhere.*

LA REALITY STAR REJECTS/”ACTORS” – I have lived here for a little over a year now, and yes, I have run into tons of people who are “getting their own reality show” because they “know a producer from Dancing With The Stars” or whatever. It’s just a story that they feel they need to come up with to justify their place in Hollywood, and it’s really easy to avoid. Because as much as Heidi Montag was invented here, so was Charles Bukowski. These kind of awful people exist everywhere, and it’s best just to leave them to their own devices – they want to be in entertainment? Let their stories entertain you and laugh it off. Everyone wins.

SF TECH NERDZ – So every dipshit in SF now has a tech company and drives a Prius and has a trophy wife, so you figured you better pack up and take your art projects elsewhere so you went ahead and you moved to…LA?

Wait. Lol wut.

LA TRAFFIC – Waze. And you can’t tell me that you wouldn’t rather be in the comfort of your own car listening to NPR for an hour than avoiding Hepatitis spit from a lunatic on the 9 Geary again, would you? San Francisco is lovely and walkable, but when you need to get somewhere fast, the MUNI is basically the sixth circle of Hell and parking doesn’t exist unless you want to pay as much as you do in rent for a parking ticket you will inevitably receive, no matter what. LA has horrific traffic, but you’ll get there, eventually, so just relax, play your favorite song on repeat, and head places an hour ahead of when you normally would have to, everywhere else. There are pros and cons to each. And what if you lived in fucking Wichita or something? Do you think people even care how fast they get anywhere in Wichita? Probably not. Because there aren’t half as many cool things to see and do anywhere else as there are in SF or LA.

This is a product available at drug stores in BOTH cities 🙁

SF IS TOO COLD – Yes. That annoying Mark Twain quote that every tourist says like they invented it themselves is true. It’s downright freezing, sometimes. But the fog is beautiful, and it adds to the mysterious noir-like feeling you can still get if you’re in North Beach at Specs or Vesuvio’s on a weeknight.

LA IS TOO HOT – Yeah. So you get to whiz around in your friend’s convertible, maybe, and stare at the opposite sex wearing less clothing than they would in other places. And it’s not inconceivable to maybe make a beach trip on Christmas day. WAAAAAHHH.

SF PARKING TICKETS OMGGGGGG – Refer to the LA traffic section. And walk. SF is 7×7, you lazy jerk. And yeah the MUNI is full of crazy people but it’s also pretty (somewhat) efficient most of the time, mainly because the city is so small.

Remember, while you’re temper tantrumming about LA – Spiderman lives here.

LA POLLUTION, THOUGH! – Yup. But you can’t really bitch about everyone driving a Prius and “going green” while you’re also bitching about how polluted LA is, because when it comes down to it, it’s mostly the rest of the world that is making this desert city air sick. LA has a lot of green efforts. Just like everywhere else, there are people that give a shit and people that don’t. I’ve met equal amounts of each in both cities.

So, hey, man. Overall there are reasons to hate and love both, but we’re just grasping at straws when it comes to complaints. There are cities where people actually freeze to death. There are cities out there like Detroit, where fucking wildlife is taking over and shit! And there are cities out there like Wichita. Let’s link arms and make out and call a truce and just be thankful we don’t live in Florida.

*Idiot is also the author