Rent-A-Minority: Your Answer to Last Minute Diversity in the Workplace
Workplace too white? Got a diversity trainer coming in this week and your office lacks ethnic diversity? Don’t worry, the new website Rent-A-Minority has got your back.
“Rent-A-Minority is a revolutionary new service designed for those oh-shit moments where you’ve realized your award show, corporate brochure, conference panel is entirely composed of white men. For, like, the fifth year in a row. Suddenly you’re being called out on Twitter and you need to look not-racist and not-misogynist fast. Actually doing something meaningful to disrupt institutional inequality would be way too much work; so why not just Rent-A-Minority instead?”
With Rent-A-Minority, “you can have diversity on-demand;” they have a minority for every occasion! RAM allows you a custom service to your specifications in ordering the kind of minority you want! We heard you loud and clear.
Ethnically Ambiguous: Also known as the Bruno Mars, or the Puerto Rican, or the 2050 American. Strategically implementing ethnically ambiguous minorities is all the rage; from IKEA commercials to extras on a film set. Don’t want to take the time out of your schedule to target a specific ethnic demographic because just being “black” is so passé? With RAM’s ethnically ambiguous option, their minorities can blend in by standing out. Because let’s face it, in another 40-years we’re all going to look Puerto Rican anyway.
Cheerful Woman of Color: People are uncomfortable with the old adage of the, “Angry Black Woman.” Sure, that concept might be funny from afar (when it’s Leslie Jones on SNL), but you don’t want that concise and blunt reminder that your family possibly owned slaves and bred them like animals to create the best possible stock; we’re looking at you every American sports league since de-segregation. With RAM, you don’t have to deal with any of that shit! They’ll send you the most bubbly black cheerleader that you have been dreaming of since you got your first boner. You know, before white girls got injections to create that black cheerleader’s fat ass you used to fantasize about. Let’s keep that between us; customer confidentiality.
Last, but definitely not least, their most popular option…
Intellectual Black Guy: The most common option. You loved Steve Urkel and to you, this option is an extension of that image. He won’t constantly bring you down with stories of his struggles as a “black man in a white man’s world,” am I right? Smart enough to be your tech guy. Driven enough to have put himself through higher education. Non-threatening enough for you to invite him to your parties where you’ll conveniently situate him by your side while you make comments filled with micro-aggressions. He’s completely manicured to be your token. Oh, it’s okay that you’re telling racist jokes because he’s your black friend, so that gives you a hall pass to make racist jokes. Consider yourself an honorary brother…of course, from another mother.
“RAM has a minority for every occasion.” You won’t ever have to worry about starting a statement with, “I’m not a racist, but…” because we’ve got you covered. You won’t have to worry about explaining how you’re not a racist, although you live in California and have absolutely no friends of color. “Whether it’s a tech conference panel, an awards show, an advert, or a business meeting, they will collaborate to find the right minority for you. All of their minorities have been vetted to ensure they are not “too black” or “too Muslim” or “too much of a Feminist.””
They know how awkward that can be.