How to Retrieve your Shit From an Ex Like a Boss
We’ve all had to deal with it at some point: The dreaded picking up of the items from your ex’s place after you’ve been dumped. This is a wildly uncomfortable situation but also a stellar opportunity for you to get in one last time showcase how well you’re doing post break-up. And if you’re not doing well, fake it ’til ya make it. It’s less than ideal to appear on your ex’s doorstep disheveled with your hands doused in brownie mix and snot dribbling down your nose all the whilst rocking your mom’s unisex GAP sweatsuit from circa 1993. This excursion should only take about 15 minutes so strap on some balls, make like Beyonce, and become invincible for this quarter of an hour, OK? I’ve come up with several ways to successfully complete this jarring endeavor. Now turn off that Lifetime movie entitled My Stepson, My Lover, peel yourself off of your tear drenched bean bag chair sofa, slather on some flirty pink lip gloss and go get your shit back like a fucking boss.
1. Consider the contents
Ask yourself: Is it really that necessary for me to retrieve my personal-turned-communal hair brush (likely infested with lice from his dirty roommates’ dreads), mangled tupperware, that half empty bottle of Listerine and tattered hacky sack? You really don’t want to put yourself in this painfully awkward situation unless you absolutely have to. Spare yourself this agonizing encounter with your ex if you can because, chances are, seeing him will only open up old wounds and you’re trying to heal! And remember, you can always get a new pair of Claire’s hoops. On the other hand, endure the agony if means getting back your coveted vibrator with otherworldly powers, heels-that-go-with-everything, your turtle named Melvin, favorite push-up bra, phone charger, and DVF top. You don’t want the next chick he downgrades to dates to have access to that shit!
Have you ever seen that Friends episode where Monica attempts to act breezy when leaving a voicemail for Tom Selleck Richard? (I will never forget her contrived declaration: “IIII’M BREEZY!”) Even though Monica failed at her attempt at conveying overall breeziness, the sentiment really stuck with me. Breeziness is going to be your best friend in this situation. Establish contact with your ex to coordinate a pick-up time that works for both of you. Text him. A text is the most effective way to reach out to him as an e-mail would be too formal (wtf would your subject line read? Pick up of thong…?) and a call would be too awkward (Am I only speaking for myself when I say I turn into a fidgety, mumbling, pacing idiot when I have serious phone conversations?) Write something breezy like, “Hey – mind if I swing by your place sometime to grab my stuff?” You’ll want to appear busy – like it’s a HUGE inconvenience for to you to pull out your Hagan Dasz distributing IV take out 6 minutes of your Lifetime movie watching busy schedule to be bothered with getting your stuff.
3. Lighting
It’s important to schedule the pick up for any time between 6pm and 7:30pm – right when the sun is setting. This time of day offers lighting that is universally complimentary to women. When he opens the door and sees your glowy, high cheekbones glimmering in the twilight he’ll kick himself in the nuts for letting you go.
4. Make an Entrance
Making a grand entrance is a must. For the love of Christ, don’t roll up to his place in a Smart-car or on your My Little Pony bike from the 3rd grade or worse, a grown woman’s bike complete with a basket and bell a la the Wicked Witch of the West. Get creative and find a unique ride – one that screams “I’m important and you’re a fucking idiot for letting me go.” If you wanna wow him, use one of the following modes of transport:
a) Pull up in a horse-drawn carriage and saunter to the door in a Gone with The Wind-esque ball gown.
b.) Make like Aladdin and trot in on a camel. Just make sure said camel hasn’t had a lot of water to drink or cacti (I dunno what camel’s eat) to eat prior to the pick-up, if YouKnowWhatIMean. You don’t want your ex to get doused in camel shit. Or maybe you do, you terrific sicko.
c.) Chopper in a la Christian Grey. No explanation needed.
d.) Pull up in a Lincoln navigator suped up with hydraulics and have Biz Markie blaring.
5. Be Pleasant and cordial
This will likely be the last time you see him for awhile. Do you really want him to remember you as a blubbering, bitterly passive aggressive shell of a woman? No. Greet him with a subtle smile and be nice. Knowing that you held it together will give you peace of mind and make you feel better down the road. I personally regret any time I’ve let a guy see me cry over him. Because anyone who doesn’t realize your worth doesn’t deserve to see that they’ve made you cry. Sob to your friends, your mom, your therapist or your fucking hamster named Herbert but don’t cry to him.
6. Look hot
Once you’ve established your wow-inducing mode of transport you’ll want to focus on your appearance. This is a prime opportunity for you to show your ex how well you are doing without him. Get a fierce Brigitte Bardot (pictured below) inspired blow-out at Dry Bar beforehand or a complimentary makeover at Sephora. Pluck your brows, spray on some of that Bvlgari perfume you stole from your mom and be sure to look your absolute best!
7. Be Resourceful
If you really need your dildo laptop back but it’s simply too painful for you to see your ex, then enlist your friend or hot well endowed new boyfriend to do the dirty work. Advise said friend or boyfriend to inform your ex that you couldn’t make it because you’re too busy being fabulous in the Maldives (or any exotic destination of your choice).
Ok, that’s all I got. All jokes aside, I know how much break-ups suck and also know that getting your stuff back from your ex’s place is particularly daunting because it means that the relationship is really over. The finality of it all stings like a bitch. But it also represents the end of one chapter of your life and the beginning of a new one filled with new opportunities and new relationships. So snag up your Cranberries CD, bid your ex farewell and trot off into the sunset on your exotic Arabian camel. NEXT!
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