Presidential Candidates Before They Were Famous

Sign up for the best newsletter EVER! presidents & muppets

Before they were famous and attracting the national spotlight, these four presidential candidates had diverse and interesting past lives.  We at spent minutes researching and going ‘behind the podium’, for this exclusive look into the lives of America’s leading presidential candidates.

From Pearls to Presidency

hillary & miss piggy

Recently released FBI files revealed that Hillary was leading a bit of a double life.  Before she was leaning in and seizing the throne, emails on her hard drive confirmed a long history of romance with a certain show business frog before she married former President Bill Clinton.  We Reached out to the frog for comment on the two’s romantic entanglements but he only released this statement: “I did not have sexual relations with that pig.” – Kermit The Frog.

Best Newsletter Ever!

Join our weekly newsletter so we can send you awesome freebies, weird events, incredible articles, and gold doubloons (note: one of these is not true).


From Eagle To Hawk

cruz and sam eagle

Before he decided to go into politics and get rid of his unibrow, Ted Cruz’s had his dream job working for the FCC. He loved the thrill of imposing ‘values’ on the public. He was not well liked back then either, he was always beating the drum about ‘decency’ & ‘law & order’, and many saw him as full of false outrage and hypocrisy. Even Kermit hated him.

Before You Felt The Bern

bernie and statler


Back in the 1970’s Bernie played an old cantankerous critic on television who boldly vocalized unpopular opinions against the famous and powerful.  Nothing much has changed other than the estrangement of his former partner Waldorf.  The duo broke up in the early 1980’s when Bernie decided to run for Mayor of Burlington Vermont.






From Lab Assistant to Media Darling

donald and beaker

Before his reality TV career, Donald played a lab assistant named “Beaker” on tv.  At the time Beaker was thought to be unintelligible but when it was discovered that his ‘beeps’ were in fact morse code, and that Beaker was saying things like “Mexicans are rapists”, and “I’m building a wall in my bedroom”, and “I’m going to start my own beauty pageant”, The Donald was fired by the network.  Since then he has invested in a lot of real-estate and gone ‘full orange’.

Like this article? Make sure to sign up for our mailing list so you never miss a goddamn thing!
Previous post

Has San Francisco Lost Interest in People?

Next post

What will it take to Recall Mayor Lee?

Alex Mak - Managing Editor

Alex Mak - Managing Editor

I'm the managing editor here at Broke-Ass Stuart. I enjoy covering Bay Area News as well as writing about Arts, Culture & Nightlife (not so much nightlife anymore).

If you're a writer, artist, or performer who would like to get your work out there, or if you've got a great product or service to promote, we've got 120k social followers and really fun ways to reach them. We make noise for our partners, and for our community. alex at