Wet Hot Summer Sex Toy Horoscope

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Astrologically July is all about dialing it back. None of that Mercury in retrograde bullshit here my friends. No way. After the cosmic shit storm that has constituted 2016 thus far, this month is a glorious breath of fresh air and is all about chilling the fuck out, digging the post solstice vibes, and getting some. I deserve it, you deserve it, nuff said. So let us delve further into what the stars have in store for you, and your libido.

ARIES

This is a month of intensity and self-exploration, and with Venus partying on into your sign you bet your sweet ass things are going to get, well, ahem. For this deep journey into you we suggest arming yourself with the Throb Vibrating Anal Plug. You’re welcome.

Taurus

Mars is tagging with you this month, which naturally highlights your stubborn nature, but the love planet wants you to remember that you deep down, you are a sweetie.  Try this: bull in the streets, kitten in the sheets. Try out the Under the Bed Restraint System and let someone else take the steering wheel for once, okay?

Gemini

So you know in the intro when we said that July was going to be a cake walk? Well, unfortunately for you, July is all gravy for everyone but you little twin star. So cool your jets and reflect on the saying: good things come to those who wait, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t get off, so masturbate. Give the Pocket Rocket Vibrator a try and put your important decisions on the back burner for a bit.

Cancer

Normally shy and weird, this month flips the script and it’s all check you out tall, dark, and kinky! Dim the lights and grab the Heart Spanker and set about giving your partner some good ole’ fashion consensual bruising that will raise some eyebrows around the pool.

Leo

Mee-ow! This year started out on the wrong foot for sure, but you get to catch up on the good times this month! For you lions July is all about lapping up that attention and putting out some real sexy feelers for some new booty. And NOTHING helps draw new tail quite like a new outfit. Give the Fetish Feline 4 Piece Teddy Set a spin. We think it’s just up your hot little alley.

Virgo

Your perfectionist streak is going into overdrive isn’t it? We have no idea how you juggle job, obligations, banging body, and that swinging social life without losing your damn mind. But you are good at what you do, and you strive to be the best. So why not pick up The Sex & Pleasure Book and learn some new tips and techniques to keep em’ gasping for more.

Libra

The key term for you this month is “down-to-Earth”. Now, don’t take this as you need to normal out and not let your freak flag fly. No, no, NEVER! Instead, see this as a suggestion that you should be getting into touching, feeling, and exploring your boo’s body. And nothing helps that journey out more than trading massages. Check out the Rub Me Massage Bar and both give and get some!

Scorpio

What’s hot, slippery, and getting down? Well, this July that description fits you like a glove! And what better way to keep it wet and wild than Sliquid Satin Natural Water Based Lubricant. So get all greased up and ready to ride out what is sure to be a cardio-heavy month.

Sagittarius

The brain is one of the sexiest parts of the body, and this month you will be getting into people’s minds and finding out what makes them tick, tock, and scream! What better way to explore people’s delightfully deviant mental landscape than with the More, Please! Kit.

Capricorn

Opportunity is everywhere for you this month – lucky you! You are just giving off that summer goodness and people are picking up what you are putting down. Bearing this in mind, you are going to want to have your a-game working overtime. What does this mean? Well since you are destined to have drawer-dropping moments month long, cute underwear all the damn time is a must. Toss on the Sasha Couture Harness and be ready for anything!

Aquarius

This month the stars are begging you to let go of all of that responsibility you’ve picked up recently and have yourself a good time. Lock the door, turn off the phone, and grab your favorite piece of ass because you’re not going anywhere. Like, for awhile. We suggest that this is probably the best time to invest in a Leather Heart Wedge Faux Leather Positioning Pillow. After all, it would be a shame to stop the fun because your legs are tired!

Pisces

July is heating up for you Pisces like woah! What is a little fishy to do? Well, nothing says sexy like skinny dipping. So grab your favorite make out buddy, the Ocean Waterproof Mini Silicon Vibrator, and find yourself a body of water where you can get your freak show ON! After all, we’ve all seen the Little Mermaid enough times to know that “Darling it’s better down where it’s wetter”