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How Not To Be A Donkey At Your Holiday Work Party

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Ah, office holiday soiree season! One of the few times of the year where you can get dressed up and partaaaay on the boss’s dime. Frankly, I have stayed with jobs solely to attend their holiday parties. Good stuff. But you hear it time and again, work holiday parties can be great fun, mediocre fun, or they can come back and fuck you in the face. The name of the game is having fun, but not letting your freak flag fly too high. Here are some tips to keep you from being “that asshole” at the office holiday party this year.

Open Bar, Open Mouth

Beware the siren-call of the open bar that has led many a work-place-sailor to ruin and damnation. With the booze flowing and the lights sparkling it can be tempting to let those filters go. Suddenly you find yourself three glasses of wine deep and feeling a little flush and it becomes alarmingly needful to tell the stud who you see by the copier all about your stomach issues or let the boss know what you think of them or do some wild interpretive dancing. I’m not saying don’t go for it, I’m saying pace yourself.

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These Aren’t Your Friends

This entry isn’t about your homies at your job; this is instead about the work people you have a casual acquaintance with. The ones who you drink endless cups of coffee with and have a passing understanding of their outside-of-work-life. How can I put this? Sometimes people who are tattle-tales are still tattle-tales no matter if it is at the office or at a fiesta-type environment. So be careful about talking shit or revealing anything about your life that you wouldn’t want the Cathys twittering about.

Sexual Harassment Still Counts

I realize this is going to come off as vague as hell, but bear with me. I was once in an office party situation where I was put into a very uncomfortable situation by one of my colleagues. They said some things to me that were not okay – like REALLY not okay. As things are still legally pending with that situation, I cannot go into specific detail, but let me tell you this, their employment didn’t last long after that ill-fated gathering. So, remember, just because you are at some fancy restaurant doesn’t mean that you can be as ookie as you want and get away with it.


Don’t Get a Fucking DUI

Ain’t no crime to feel yourself at your seasonally-enforced-fun work occasion, but it is a crime to drive drunk. So, don’t do it. DON’T FUCKING DO IT. Most companies will pay for your cab home, take them up on this.

To Karaoke or Not To Karaoke?

This is a choice that everyone must make for themselves. I have learned whomever picks anything by The Boss is usually pretty cool and the folks who lean towards The Doors are mega suck.

With that, young grasshoppers, may your office parties be well-catered and all your bars be open. We hope you make it through this season with degrees of your dignity intact, and if you don’t let us know.

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Kit Friday -Mild in the Streets

I am a writer, DJ, musician, vandal and I travel a lot.