Holiday Self-Care Guide

Ah the holidays. That magical time of year set aside for tinsel, mistletoe, warm fires, and gathering your family close to you… Fuck. Babies, batten down the hatches and get ready for a shit show, because that is kind of what the holidays amount to. Thus, to help you sail as smoothly through the next few weeks as possible we have put together a self-care guide for you. Forget yoga and fuck meditation. This is a guide aimed at helping you navigate your uncomfortable social situations, drink (or bong) in hand, with the goal of helping you emerge as unscathed as possible, somewhere on the other side of the new year.

Take Some Time for Yourself

Yes, you have a million mother fucking parties, dinner things, presents to wrap, things to buy, and so forth. The holidays are a dizzying time of year where even the most rational hermit will suddenly talk him or herself into turning their calendars into a dense block of expectations and commitments. We are in no way preaching against partying, but if you find yourself at yet another fiesta about to sob in your nog, it is time to take a breather. No one will fault you for missing their fruitcake party because you need to have a Netflix and chill night.

Deck the Halls with Drama

We don’t know what the exact science is, but empirical evidence suggests that there is a direct correlation between the appearance of holiday decorations and people going completely bat shit. As fun as the holidays can be, it’s a rough time of year. People are operating with expectations in overdrive and if you throw some booze on that, BOOM! Suddenly there is a lot of screaming around ye ole Christmas tree. Now, it’s never fun to be the bigger person, nor is it a total joy to self-reflect, but take a moment and try to identify those situations that happen year in and out where you find yourself in the middle of a three-ring bullshit circus. See it? Now try to see what is triggering these freak shows and try to act accordingly. No, you can’t keep your family/friends/co-workers/who-the-fuck-ever from going ballistic, but you can certainly keep yourself from doing it.

Your Parent’s Disappointment

Your folks not happy about the way you turned out? Too gay? Too weird? Too not married/with children/not giving a fuck/et seq? Don’t feel alone. We know the feeling like woah. If you drop your vigilance for just a moment this family imposed disappointment can get its long brittle claws into parts of your brain that it really has no business being in. The trick is to stop those feelings of self-doubt and loathing square in their tracks. As corny as it sounds, visit your inner Stuart Smalley- you’re good enough, you’re smart enough, and god damn it, people think you are fucking awesome. I swear to Satan.

Drink Some Fucking Water

For many, the holidays are a time when operating as a functional alcoholic is pretty accepted across the board. There is kind of a giddy thrill to knocking back some wine mid-day at the company party or having endless glasses of high octane nog at your neighbor’s annual to-do. We are in no way advocating against catching a sweet buzz, however DRINK SOME FUCKING WATER. You’re hang over and your sense of dignity will thank us come mid-January.

With that, we wish you a very merry whatever the hell you are celebrating and hope that your new year is a lot less sodomizing than 2016 seemed to be for everyone.