“Today is the first day of the rest of your sad and lonely life.”
–  local cat lady

According to USA today, “growing indoor plants is easy and just as fun as having an outdoor garden.”  So what are you waiting for?  Personalize your living room, bedroom, kitchen or bathroom today! Here is your guide to finding the perfect indoor plant that best describes your sad and lonely life.

Norfolk Island Pine
(Araucaria heterophylla)

This is the kind of plant they find on your balcony after your cats have eaten you.  So, you should think about getting one today!

Cactus (Cactaceae)

What’s that you say?  Nobody wants to touch your penis!?  Maybe you have an unpopular vagina?  Nothing symbolizes your sexless life like a lone cactus on the your kitchen table.  Place it in a plastic bowl preferably next to some empty vodka bottles and you’ll have what interior designers call the ‘celibacy trifecta’.

Spider plant (Chlorophytum comosum)

There’s something about a spider plant hanging in your front window that says, “I watch A LOT of Dr. Phil.”  It’s like a warning to neighbors not to ask you for help or advice.  A ‘must buy’ this spring, for your sad and lonely life.

Devil’s Ivy (Epipremnum)

Devil’s Ivy on the shelf in your foyer is a friendly warning to UPS delivery men to avoid conversation with you.  It says, “I’ve given up” and “I don’t know what is real anymore”.  It’s equivalent to answering the door wearing an adult diaper.

Ficus (Ficus benjamina)

A dead ficus in the corner is the perfect side dressing for that stack of empty Dominos pizza boxes in your living room.  Nothing says, “I pee in jars and eat things I found in my couch,” like a dying ficus plant.

Chinese Evergreen (Aglaonema)

This plant is perfect for your solitude because they are typically found on sale next to the greeting card section in grocery stores.  You can pick one up along with a ‘Happy Birthday’ balloon for yourself.