MTA: Mass Transit Apocalypse

Just a regular hot as hell, overcrowded morning on the NYC subway platform. Image via this site.

By: Jonas Barnes

Just four hours prior to writing this article, I was in the transient dwelling catacombs of the city known as the New York Subway System traveling home. I do this most nights after being out doing comedy. At this point, I imagine the entire nation is aware of the almost comically shitty nature of the MTA.

Whether it be raised tolls without fixes to key issues, overcrowding or what have you, the MTA has been making news everywhere. Back at the end of June, the MTA was finally declared a “State Of Emergency” by Governor Cuomo.

Oh, don’t worry. Gov. Cuomo is just going to throw some money at it. Should be fine. Image via this site.

Now, before we get into the specifics of that, I want you to understand that the MTA is used for the travel of the overwhelming majority of the residents of NYC. The subway system in NYC is, for lack of a better term, the central nervous system of getting around NYC. And that…has just been declared a state of emergency. How badly do you have to fuck up to have that happen? Well, that’s exactly what we’re going to get into here. The MTA is an aggressive, questionable, violent power top that takes sick enjoyment in the fucking of its super submissive bottom (the citizens of NYC) anytime it gets the chance. And fuck all of us, it does!

From a train derailment that literally trapped people inside what I can only imagine was a sweltering hot tube of freshly jogged asshole sweat being shared by hundreds of people.

Firefighters at the subway station after the recent train derailment. Photo by: Karsten Moran for The New York Times

To the complete impending shutdown of the L train (the main line going through Brooklyn) for up to 8 fucking years. 8 years of shuttle buses, fuck you’s, salty drivers, saltier travelers, and a schedule I can only assume will be as reliable as Donald Trumps foreign policy advice. That’s a small example of the fantastically frequent fuckery of the MTA.

This city organization literally cripples local businesses and citizens on a daily basis and has been for years.

Rebecca Trent, owner of The Creek and The Cave and other business owners protest a massive subway closure. Image via this site.

Oh, and they still have the King Kong sized nutsack to raise the toll prices because: fuck you, why not? The State Of Emergency has been signed. What it sounds like is armed soldiers will be coming through and executing subway beggars, faulty air conditioning technicians, and anyone that litters, causing train delaying trash fires. That is NOT at all what it happening. What is ACTUALLY happening: Governor Cuomo is signing an emergency $1 Billion repair budget for the MTA to “fix”, “much needed” repairs. This whole bullshit fiasco is literally him throwing a billion dollars at something that hasn’t been fixed no matter how much money and time has been thrown at it in the past.

It’s a billion dollar “oops, I fucked up” from the Governor.

“You know, one billion dollars isn’t even really a lot of money these days.” Courtesy New Line Cinema

And just so you know, AFTER this state of emergency was declared, 3 trains shut down at the same time and caused a back up on the alternate 1 train platform with literally hundreds of commuters that resembled a concentration camp.

So here we sit, the children of NYC, while our abusive father shows up to throw money at us for all the times he was an asshole before. At least if we were a real family, we’d get an Xbox. (Or maybe a system to house the homeless.) We’re not holding our breath.