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Which Famous A**holes Are Going To Burning Man 2018?

Which rich and famous a**holes will you see turnt up at the turnkey camps of Burning Man 2018?  Based on public comments, social media posts, and history of going to Burning Man every year because they can afford to, we’ve determined which famous assholes will ride in private jets to plug-and-play at the Burning Man 2018 festival.

Of course, there is no way to say definitively whether a certain famous person is going to Burning Man more than three weeks prior to the event. Health issues, sudden weddings, or unplanned life events can come at you fast and alter your calendar no matter who you are. Perfectly good Burners cancel their Burning Man plans every year, and this is even truer for wealthy asshole Burners. But from what can we can tell from public remarks and social media shit-talking, these are the richest, most famous assholes likely to be at Burning Man 2018.

 

PARIS HILTON –  PROBABLY GOING

Socially useless socialite asshole Paris Hilton has gone to Burning Man each of the last three years (on her family’s inheritance money) so she does qualify as a Burner. Ms. Hilton has not yet posted on social media any indications  that she is attending this year, though in previous years her asshole ‘Oh, look at me, I’m at Burning Man’ posts did not come until the event was already underway. Her terribly designed new website does not have a tour or public appearances section.

Helicopters and tunnels

A post shared by Elon Musk (@elonmusk) on

ELON MUSK – PROBABLY NOT GOING

Quintessential asshole billionaire techie Elon Musk did attend Burning Man in 2013, as we see from this snapshot of him stopping at In-N-Out on his way home from the playa. But Musk has not been spotted at the Burn in recent years, and he’s currently on a $5 billion apology tour for his recent spate of assholish behavior. You probably won’t see Elon Musk at Burning Man this year, but you might see some asshole with one of his flamethrowers.

Back from the dust

A post shared by Skrillex (@skrillex) on

SKRILLEX – PROBABLY GOING

Corporate dubstep asshole Skrillex was allegedly  booed offstage at Robot Heart in 2014, but we know Skrillex was at Burning Man last year, and his tour schedule currently shows no conflicts.

#BurningMan Words cannot explain! I'll never be the same. Do u see the glove?

A post shared by Diddy (@diddy) on

PUFF DADDY – MAYBE GOING

What’s this asshole calling himself these days? Not sure. But pop star and purveyor of fine apparel for the asshole demographic Puff Daddy is not on tour this year, did attend Burning Man 2015, and proudly commodified Burning Man in a Fiat commercial in years past.

🔥🚨obvious first time burner alert🚨🔥

A post shared by KATY PERRY (@katyperry) on

KATY PERRY – MAYBE GOING

Girl-kissing firework Katy Perry attended both in 2015 and 2016. as evidenced by the above Instagram on which she mishandles a Segway scooter. Ms. Perry has not announced plans to attend this year (nor did she announce her plans last year), but her tour schedule shows a very curious gap during the week of Burning Man.

GROVER NORQUIST – PROBABLY GOING

FOX News senior asshole correspondent Grover Norquist has made a big deal of his Burning Man attendance in years past, and he always schmoozed with the late Larry Harvey when he went. We can infer he is probably going to Burning Man this year, as you see in the above tweet from July 21, 2018 that “Tax cut advocate @GroverNorquist’s parting words at OZY Fest: ‘Come to Burning Man this year!'” He did not have any words on how he got duped into booking the redheaded Russian spy on his podcast.

 

ME – DEFINITELY GOING

I’m that asshole who calls other people assholes even though I’m doing the exact same thing as those assholes. Hell, I’ve even got two of the above-named assholes are on my iPod right now! These famous assholes, admittedly, are some of the most creative and motivated people in contemporary arts and culture. They don’t have time to build their own cupcake muffin cars because they’re busy and they generally have more important things to do. But I will squat alongside them on federally managed lands for a week and have Star Wars-themed raves together, and in a way that’s kind of a beautiful thing.

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Joe Kukura- Millionaire in Training

Joe Kukura- Millionaire in Training

Joe Kukura is a two-bit marketing writer who excels at the homoerotic double-entendre. He is training to run a full marathon completely drunk and high, and his work has appeared in the New York Times and Wall Street Journal on days when their editors made particularly curious decisions.