Taco Bell Adds ‘Jalapeño Noir Wine’ To Its Menu

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Image: Taco Bell Canada

Drunk and high people who love Taco Bell will want to toast to the news that Taco Bell is adding a Jalapeño Noir wine to its menu starting on September 16. But before you go planning your 5-Layer Beefy Bean Burrito blackout, the fine print of their announcement makes it clear that this wine will only be sold at Taco Bell locations in Canada, and only with the order of a menu item known i the Taco Bell vernacular as a “Toasted Cheesy Chalupa.”

So will this Taco Bell wine ever come to the United States (or mah belly!), and what will it cost? Will it be at every Taco Bell, or just certain locations? There are some clues in the press release, as well as other recent corporate moves that Taco Bell franchises have made, that help us make a well-informed assessment on whether we’ll be ankle to make the ill-informed decision of buying a Toasted Cheesy Chalupa with a bottle of jalapeño wine.

The luxurious Toasted Cheesy Chalupa’s about to meet its bougie best bud. Bonjour, Jalapeño Noir. Available 09/16/2020 on #WineAndToastedCheesy

Posted by Taco Bell Canada on Monday, September 14, 2020

Comments in the above Facebook post from Taco Bell Canada inform us that A) Canadians are super passionate about their Taco Bell, and B) you can only get the wine if you order the Toasted Cheesy Chalupa. “It’ll be $25 (Because it’s classy),” Taco Bell Canada says in one of the comments, “Available Wednesday through our site.” Converted to U.S. dollars, that would be $18.95 for the combination of a chalupa and a bottle of wine. That’s what I usually spend on four bottles of wine! But hey, you get some Taco Bell too.

The official Taco Bell wine press release clarifies this will only be sold in Canada, but also teases that “The Toasted Cheddar Chalupa will also be available in the U.S. in November.” It does not give any U.S, date on the Taco Bell wine.

But there are two Taco Bell Cantina locations here in the Bay Area (one at near the ballpark in China Basin, and the other in Pacifica with the coastal view.) So those would be likely candidates since they already have alcohol licenses, whereas the “Half KFC/Half Taco Bell” locations would be unlikely to carry alcohol.

Taco Bell Canada’s press release also notes that the wine-and-chalupa deal would be available “via Uber Eats, while supplies last,” which means this promotion could be intended to drive Uber Eats signups and orders. Yes, you can order alcohol on Uber Eats here in San Francisco.

And would there really be jalapeño peppers in this so-called Jalapeño Noir Wine? The press release is unclear, saying that the wine has “notes of wild strawberry, cherry and beetroot in this silky limited-edition red wine.” That doesn’t tell us anything except the wine will be red, and that it’s a short-term promotion.

CNN reportsThe wine won’t be sold in the United States once the same chalupa rolls out in November.” That doesn’t mean that Taco Bell wine is never coming to the United States, it just means the company has no explicit plans to introduce this. But hey, you can still drink four bottles of cheap wine for the same price if you want to get cha-loopy with your chalupa.

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Joe Kukura- Millionaire in Training

Joe Kukura- Millionaire in Training

Joe Kukura is a two-bit marketing writer who excels at the homoerotic double-entendre. He is training to run a full marathon completely drunk and high, and his work has appeared in the New York Times and Wall Street Journal on days when their editors made particularly curious decisions.