The Bay Area is a big place with a lot of cities, and every city in the Bay can be a little different.  But one thing that is synonymous with the Bay Area experience, is BART.  The Bay Area Rapid Transit, with its loud trains, lateness, general sketchiness and insanity is a rite of passage for anyone who has lived in the 9 counties that hug the shoreline of San Francisco Bay. But not every BART station is built the same. If someone gets on a train in Pittsburg, is the experience the same as someone who gets on the train in San Jose? The answer is a resounding ‘fuck no’, and that’s why I made this list. What your BART station says about YOU.

EAST BAY (510)

Richmond

If Richmond BART is your station, you’ve been hardened by life. You don’t give a fuck if the refinery explodes or if you have to duck a few bullets to do it, you’re getting a fucking seat. You’re a patriot. You get erections when Rosie the Riveter flexes because Richmond loves to talk about WW2. You’re not scared of the Iron Triangle or North Richmond. You’re scared of having to stand all the way to San Francisco. God bless you.

El Cerrito Del Norte

If El Cerrito Del Norte is your station (it’s mine) you either live in Richmond and are too scared to go to the Richmond Station even though all the people you’re scared of are on the train and now have a better seat than you because they braved the ominous Richmond Station… or you live in the North Bay and this is where the bus or I-80 dropped your ass off (me.)  Either way, you’re probably not getting a seat.

El Cerrito Plaza

If El Cerrito Plaza is your station, what the fuck are you doing? Who the fuck do you think you are? You probably live in Albany. This is the station that basically says “I don’t live in Berkeley 🙁 but I don’t live in Richmond :)” And you’re kinda fucking pointless. Why does El Cerrito get two BART stations and Vallejo doesn’t even get one? Does God exist? Probably not. And we get fucked by the bridge toll. Man.

North Berkeley

If North Berkeley is your station, you probably wanna fight the power but you have too much to lose because you’re a rich cunt. You’re the type of person to go to a Black Lives Matter protest to support the movement, but then call the police because it got too rowdy. Your son’s name is probably Tobias or something like that. You’re too 401k to fight the power.

Downtown Berkeley

If Downtown Berkeley is your station you’re a fucking wildcard. You might be an aging gutter punk who hasn’t bathed since Reagan ruined America, you might be a college professor or a hipster who pretends to hate Berkeley even though you share an apartment with 6 roommates just to say you live there when you could easily move back in with your parents in Livermore. Or you could somehow be all 3. It’s fucking downtown Berkeley.

Ashby

If Ashby is your station, you’re probably old school Berkeley. You’re the type to go to the corner store before you’re ever caught dead in a yuppie ass Whole Foods. Or you live in the awkward part of Oakland or Emeryville that is right next to Ashby, which is basically just more Berkeley anyway, so fuck it.

San Leandro

If San Leandro is your station you’re probably disappointed as fuck. Everyone under 30 wants that Oakland clout, but they’ll never get it because no one gives a fuck about San Leandro and if you’re over 30, you’re probably from Oakland and thought you made it to the suburbs only to to awoken in the middle of the night from sideshow participants racing through your supposedly good Christian suburbs trying to escape OPD. No one wins in San Leandro. No one. At least you got a BART.

Bayfair

If Bayfair is your station and you’re not about to steal some shit from the mall, what are you doing with your life. You’re in San Leandro. Give up already. You live next to Alameda County’s Hilltop Mall and it’s about fucking time you started acting like it.

Hayward

If you Hayward BART is your station, do me a favor, please for the love of fucking christ stop saying Hayward is the heart of the Bay. And yes, we know, The Rock is from Hayward, but at least he has the common decency not to fucking talking about it. “Can you smellllllllll what the rock is cookin’?” The Rock’s not cooking anything. Hot Cheetos aren’t supposed to be cooked, idiot. Hayward is just Alameda County’s Concord and The Rock is Tom Hanks. I said what I said.

South Hayward

If South Hayward is your station you probably feel the obligation to remind everyone that South Hayward is hood as if having a high crime rate is some kind of an accomplishment. Also South Hayward isn’t even that bad. And the Mexican food is good. You could be San Leandro. Is that what you want?

Union City/Castro Valley

If Union City or Castro Valley is your station, I forgot you existed. You’re just more Hayward, probably? What the fuck is a Union City or a Castro Valley? The Castro is in the City. New phone, who dis?

Fremont

If Fremont is your station, you’re probably expecting me to make an Indian Joke. But I’m not going to, you racist asshat. Fremont isn’t really the East Bay and it’s not really Silicon Valley. It’;s just a train stop and a Tesla Factory. But yeah, honestly, you’re 408 than 510. Just saying.

Warm Springs South Fremont

If this is your station you probably live in Milpitas… Get fucked.